An IM* conversation between Trish aka Da Mouse (Harriet's daughter) and Delphine (Pat's daughter) earlier today:

Delphine says:
Won't keep you just wondered what kind of care your mom gets. Do they keep her bathed or do they let her refuse to be washed?
Da Mouse says:
To be honest, I'm not sure. I think residents can refuse. But they have a far more structured place at Eventide than they did at Moorhead Manor. It was more casual at the Manor and they didn't like to force issues. They try to make things more routine at Eventide.
Delphine says:
I had to get my Atty after them here as Mom stunk so bad Tues. It was awful. My car still stinks My Atty called them and said my guardianship says that I say mom takes showers & that Mom was proven in court unable to make rational decisions as to her care and they bathe Mom & don't give her the option to say no, she said if I have any more trouble she will get after them again.
Da Mouse says:
I would be angry about that, too.
Delphine says:
She is incontinent and stunk of pee when I got her then she wet while the hairdresser was combing out her hair. Thank fully I had bought a rubber sheet and keep on the seat of my car just in case. But they tried to tell she hasn't been incontinent but I see her pee soaked pants all the time. They now put her in a pull up type diaper.
Da Mouse says:
I don't take Mom to an outside hairdresser anymore. She has too many accidents and it's just too difficult.
Delphine says:
I'm afraid I can't much longer either as Mom was so weak Tues. When we left the beauty shop I had to literally shove her into the car from her wheel chair. She couldn't get her legs under at all. She stunk so bad on top of it that I took her right back to the nursing home. Had to get a man to come out & lift her out of the car into the wheel chair.
Da Mouse says:
It's painful to see our mothers this way. I know Mom tells me it stinks getting old, and I can't say I can argue with her.
Delphine says:
You got that right. Unless something happens to us & we die younger we have that to look ahead to. I just hope my mind doesn't go. I think Mom could still be at home if her mind hadn't gone. She probably wouldn't be helpless then either as she would have walked around but she has just let the wheel chair take over now...

*IM - Instant Messenger

Email exchange between Harriet's daughters today...

Betty, have you gotten any phone calls in the last day or so from Mom or Eventide? Mom left me a cryptic message on my office voice mail today about using the phone and getting in hot water for it then laughed and said that's all she'd say...???

Yes...I got a message from her while she was at the nurses station. Here's the deal. She came into the office to use the phone and realize her big toe hurt really bad. Before, she made a call; the nurses looked at it and realized she has an infection in it and then had her sit with a little tub of HOT WATER. She was making a FUNNY!! Get it?

More 'age' humour*:

An elderly Florida woman calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard." He says. "She got into the back seat by mistake."
_______________________________________

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pausesÂ…"Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________

80-year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home.

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." _______________________________________

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me--I know we've been friends for a long time ... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________________________________

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" ______________________________________

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red, and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and replied, "Crap, am I driving?"

* - I have great respect for older people, but I also have a sense of humour and feel we need to be able to laugh at ourselves...

Being Irish - and having a wickedly black sense of humour at times - I found this spoof to be very, very funny...*

*WARNING: Some of you will take offense, so if you're easily offended, "don't go there"

Cousins sharing...

From: Del and Lee
To: Betty Thorsvig
Sent: Monday, February 23, 2004 9:17 AM

Yah my Mom is the same way. One time when I take her she is all happy & saying the home isn't too bad & she needs to be there & the next time she tries to convince me she needs to go home as that place is falling apart. The food gets lousier & lousier & is always cold etc. I have bought a pass a couple times & eaten with her & what I had was very good & very hot However I'm sure some meals are better than others Last week when we went to the beauty shop they had screwed up on her morning cereal as she loves the cream of wheat they serve her & has always been very good but whoever cooked it this time did a lousy job as it was all lumpy. So I'm sure it is off & on & there are foods she doesn't like. Meat loaf being one & they have that now & then, with fish as the alternative meal if you don't want meat loaf & she doesn't like fish either.

They have an alternative list on the wall but they don't bother to point it out to the people & with Mom's memory she doesn't remember she can order anything else & if she did remember it she can't see well enough to read it. I think it odd that they don't take into consideration that some people are there because of dementia etc. therefore can't remember things & go ask them each day do you want this today or do you prefer the other meal.

Mom is very weak in the knees & her hip is real bad again She can barely walk anymore. I don't know how much longer I can hold her up to take her out. I told them about it at the last care plan meeting & they are supposed to either put her back in physical therapy or in the restorative program to try strengthen her legs again. Part of it may be from the tranquilizer they give her too as she was so stressed out & causing so much trouble & cussing & swearing & threatening suicide etc. at first that they finally had to put her on a mild tranquilizer. It makes her very sleepy so that may be part of the problem.

Tomorrow she & I go to Las Cruces to a dermatologist to see if he can freeze some of her cancer spots off so as not to have them surgically removed. She will be 92 in July & I hesitate to keep having her put under for surgery all the time. She has had 3 cancer spots removed already surgically & now has another on her upper chest about the size of a quarter. Plus 2 or 3 more little ones that are about to start growing. I hope he can freeze them off so they don't develop.

Thanks for the pictures I sure enjoyed them. Aunt Harriet sure has aged. She looks as old as my Mom. Everyone thinks Mom looks so young & does so well for a 91 yr. old but to me she looks so old & is deteriorating fast. I see more failure everytime I see her. But I can remember the real vibrant, fun loving ,able to take care of any situation, independent, person I use to know so now she is so different it is almost like taking care of a total stranger.

Well have a good day sorry this is so long but guess I felt like talking today.

Love Del

----- Original Message -----
From: Betty Thorsvig
To: Del and Lee
Sent: Sunday, February 22, 2004 9:58 PM

Hi Del,

Things are doing ok. No acting out. She still has good and bad days. We were up for a visit last Wed. evening for a hour - Bill and I - and had a really nice visit. Today I her out for a ham Sunday dinner and she was weepy, talked very little, cried a lot, slept and they cranky.

You never know from time to time.

Betty

When I saw Mom last, on Saturday, we didn’t go out, but I was there for 2.5 hours visiting*. She was in very good spirits. Earlier in the day, not feeling well, but was about to go to supper when I left. No, not bad at all. I’m very encouraged by her demeanor all around. Her biggest concern is that she vacillates between fear and anger about being forgotten by us. She feels she is a burden, but at the same time doesn’t want to have to beg for our attention. Although I haven’t been through what she’s going through, it’s easy to imagine that it would be tough. At this vulnerable time in her life, it’s not surprising she needs more support than ever…

*During my visit, Mom compared caring for her mother with her own situation now. Although I lived through it with her, it was helpful when she reminded me how her and Aunt Pat decided to jointly care for Grandma once Grandma couldn't be on her own. Mom had Grandma spring to fall, and Aunt Pat from fall to spring. It was as fair as they could arrange it.

Towards the end of Grandma's life (1973 or so), she entered a nursing home. Mom said, "I have never forgotten or forgiven Pat for what she did." I blinked, a dim memory of hearing this before in the back of my brain. "Never forgotten or forgiven what, Mom?" "What she did to Grandma."

She went on to explain that Aunt Pat drove up to Hallock one day to have Dr. Larter look at Grandma, left her there, and went home. Dr. Larter called Mom and asked, "What are you going to do about your Mother?" She had to learn from Dr. Larter what had transpired to this point since she had not be called by Aunt Pat. "She was left sitting in her chair in the hallway of the hospital," Mom told me. After learning the circumstances, it was arranged for Grandma to enter the nursing home. Paperwork had to be taken care of by Mom later. As you might imagine, Mom was not amused at having this dumped in her lap, as she called it. She didn't resent her mother, nor helping her, but it was how it happened. As you also might imagine, loving her sister as she did and does, she hasn't stopped loving her. But, Mom is Irish, and she has a looong memory!

Cousin Delphine had these reactions to Mom's transfer this weekend...

Wow, Betty - what a beautiful place. I looked at that web site you listed. Gosh, I'd be perfectly happy there. Aunt Harriet is so lucky. I wish we had something like that here. If it wasn't so far away I would be very tempted to send Mom there. The nursing home here is OK but is a typical nursing home. They do a lot with the residents. Take them on scenic trips once or twice a week take them shopping etc. But Eventide looks more like a regular retirement community rather than a nursing home. I'm jealous as I'd sure love to see Mom in a place like that than where she is. They may have one better in Las Cruces but then that is 75 miles away & I don't relish driving to Las Cruces 2 or 3 times a week. Anyhow I feel you kids are really doing good by your Mom. So beautiful there according to the pictures.

I'm sure the pictures don't even do it justice. Hope all went well & easy today with the transfer of Harriet to Eventide. I even put it in my favorites so I can look at it once in a while.

Friends my parents knew in New Mexico have been keeping touch about Mom, even when Mom cannot keep in touch with them...

From : Betty Thorsvig
Sent : Friday, January 30, 2004 11:18 PM
To : Trish Lewis, Sharon
Subject : From Mom and Dad's friends in T or C
__________________________

I sent this to Don and Nita Donner - good friends of Mom and Dad's tonight and just wanted you both to see theirs and my reply. I also included Delores, Virginia (as her mother is at Eventide too); Florence (a church friend I email that Mom and Dad knew from T/C) and our previous Pastor's wife Billie Sue - as I know they would all want to know. Bets

----- Original Message -----
From: Betty Thorsvig
To: Donner
Sent: Friday, January 30, 2004 11:14 PM
Subject: Re: Harriet's phone number, please

Mom will not have a phone at Eventide. They have a community phone; which I will find more about soon.
She has only fond memories of you both and the love you showed them.
Thank you for your prayers - that is what we are only asking for.
I will keep you updated, I promise.
Sincerely,
Betty

----- Original Message -----
From: Donner
To: Betty Thorsvig
Sent: Friday, January 30, 2004 9:52 PM
Subject: Re: Harriet's phone number, please

Oh, Betty, this is sad and I am so sorry to hear this about your mom. We talk often of her and her wonderful sense of humor. Is there anything I can do. Please, Harriet has called us and when I ask her for her phone number, the last time she gave me an area code for NM. Please would you send me her phone number, so I can call her?

I have a sister who has Alzheimer's and she is only 65 now, when she was diagnosed with it she was only 52. Now at age 65 she is in a wheel chair and like your mom, no control over her bowels. I know the pain of seeing these things happen to your mom. I want you to know that we (the church and us personally) will be praying for her. I want you to know that we care (love) your mom very much. If there is anything we can do please let us know. God bless you and give you peace is our prayers.

Nita and Don Donner

----- Original Message -----
From: Betty Thorsvig
To: Delores; Don/Nita Donner; Florence Reddy; Billie Sue; Virginia
Sent: Friday, January 30, 2004 7:32 PM
Subject: Friends/Family of Harriet Short

Trish and I met with the Manor staff today and Grandma. She just laid there and had little response. She was told she will be admitted to Eventide tomorrow, Sat. at 10 am. Below is what Trish wrote just Thurs and the opening came after she wrote this. If you have further questions, let me know. Please share with any other family that might want to know.
I just wanted you all to know. Thank you, Betty

The light is going out in her eyes, literally.

During the past three weeks or so, there's been a noticeable decline in Mom. It actually began late last year when she began having more difficulty in getting around even with her cane. She was becoming less sure of herself, unsteady, nervous unless I was right there to help her every step of the way. Once, upon return from an afternoon at the hairdressers than grabbing a bite to eat with me, we had just gotten inside the Manor when down she fell. As it happened, it was like time slowed down and I tried to think how to stop it but I couldn't. She fell forward, her face hitting the floor at the corner, one bow of her glasses grinding into her face. After the aides helping her up, we saw a gash on her face, and her eyeglasses were bent badly.

The mother I've known all my life isn't there anymore. My Mom was full of life, opinions, and energy. She had a classic Irish temper, but also knew how to laugh and enjoy life. It makes me sad to already be talking about her in the past tense.

Now, despite a brief time where not only we, but Mom herself thought she was getting past the initial grieving period and coming out the other side, she is encountering another challenge. I'm not sure what it all entails, but it's there, and I don't think it's going away. It's like she's falling apart.

I took Mom to Dr. Haake last week. He's her neurologist. He confirmed that her dementia is progressing, along with a deterioration of her gait. Physical Therapists were brought in to the Manor where she lives to evaluate her. They called me saying her leg strength was actually quite good for her age, but that due to her lack of confidence, a walker was indicated. They will come by a few more times to help her learn how to use it, and observe and advise. After that, she's on her own.

Susan from the Manor called yesterday. Mom has once again been found wandering the halls in nothing but an undershirt, nothing on her bottom half, virtually naked. She's also walked that way into the hallway public restroom and had bouts of diarrhea all over the floor. After a brief interlude where Detrol helped her regain urinary continence, once again she's having accidents but even worse than before; not only when sleeping, but when she's awake. It's like, Susan comments, she's just given up and doesn't care.

The last few times Mom and I went out to eat, she began exhibiting more odd behavior. She was always unconventional in her behavior by some standards, but she usually reserved that for when she was at home. Now, she has begun to do some inappropriate things in public, i.e., taking her dentures out, setting them on the table in full view of anyone to see in restaurants, making loud comments about people near us, etc. I try to redirect her attention, or make a joke and we laugh, and that has worked so far. However, between these troubling examples, and some public incontinence, it's become clear that it will not be as easy – maybe even possible – for Mom to get out much longer. She will miss that very much…

So we are not to the point where we must begin actively seeking skilled care, because it's only a matter of time before the Manor cannot meet her needs. I called Eventide, and they transferred her from the inactive to active list for placement. It's difficult to estimate waiting times, they said, but it could vary from one month to one year.

In the meantime, we wait, we cope, and we grieve. We grieve for the Mother we knew, the Mother we know now, and her absence when it comes.

From Cousin Delphine (Alberta's daughter)...

...you were asking me about a [phone number] so your Mom could call mine at the nursing home. Well she apparently has it as I was talking to Daryl one day about you wanting the nos. of the nursing home so your Mom could call. Daryl said Harriet has called my Mom several times. At least 5 times on his shift & he works noon to 7 PM. And who knows how many times she may have called when he wasn't working. So they are talking it's just that neither one of them remember talking to each other. Christmas before last your Mom called My Mom & they talked for almost 2 hrs. & 3 days later Mom was wondering how Harriet was saying she hadn't heard from her since she went up North. I said Mom you talked to her for almost 2 hrs. just 3 days ago. No memory of it at all.

Then there was that almost $400 phone bill Mom had from your Mom calling collect all the time that you sent mom half the payment for when I wrote what she wanted me to write. And after all that Mom had no memory at all that she had even talked to Harriet. So I don't think we have to worry about them not being in contact with each other. They are it's just that neither one of them remember it. Love Del

No, they don't remember the details, but they do remember each other. As sisters, they've been there for each other all their lives...