Saturday, August 30, 2003

Delphine wrote me today about...
They served Mom with papers yesterday on the guardianship. She always says she can't read because she can't see. Couldn't even read the numerous cards she has recieved, I read them to her. Yet she managed to read these papers. The social worker was with her when they gave her the papers & at first she seemed to take it well. But then decided to read them & they said did she get mad. She was mad as a wet hen. Said she took care of her Mom for 10 yrs. & she never did this to her Mom. Can't figure out why I'm doing this to her - Sound familiar???

What she chooses not to remember is HER MOM didn't drive a car so didn't insist on driving when Drs. said she was a danger because she could have a stroke. HER MOM took her insulin & meds every day & didn't keep saying no I'll take it later & then not take it at all. HER MOM when she finally had to go in the nursing home didn't like it either but accepted it & tried to make the best of it by joining activities & crafts, I have a little felt pillow that grandma made in the nursing home. But you tell Mom to join things & "No I've never done that before & sure as Hell not going to start now." So all she does is sit & mope & try to think of ways to escape.

Complained about being in the wheelchair because her butt hurts from sitting all the time , shoulders hurt from being in the wheelchair, feet swell because all she does is sit. I suggested a walker so she can walk more & she said they offered her one but I'll be damned if I'm going to depend on a walker. I said well you are depending on a wheelchair it seems to me a walker would be better than a wheelchair, she says no, because I can sit in the wheelchair. HUH?????

Tells me how Her MOM had a goofy roommate so she went right up tp Hallock & made them put grandma in a room with someone more like her that she could visit with & all. Well Mom didn't like her roommate cause she moaned all the time. So we moved her 2 times now & she didn't like them either & couldn't figure out why they moved her in the first place because she liked the other lady. again I say HUH?????

She took grandma from her home to Bemidji & took care of her for 5 or 8 yrs. again grandma was willing. even when offered Mom refused to give up anything to live with anyone. When grandma got too ill with diabetes for Mom to take care of her anymore, Mom did not quit her job to be with her 24 hrs. she took grandma right to Hallock & put her in the nursing home where grandma died. But Mom keeps saying grandma was in the nursing home & hated it there so she went right up & took her out of the nursing home & took care of her 8 yrs.

The social worker yesterday said it's like dealing with a 2 yr. old & I said ya & I've been doing it all alone for over 2 years. She just shook her head & said I don't know how you did it & you sure did good to keep her at home that long.


Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Delphine email from today...:
I wonder where our moms got this swearing kick. Boy, you'd never hear grandma swear. My Mom even uses th "F" word. You guys have been going through this for over 2 yrs. with your Mom & me only a little over a month & I'm about nuts. At least my Mom doesn't have a phone. They can have their phones transferred to their rooms as I had a friend in there just recuperating from a cracked pelvic. And she had her phone hooked up temporarily. But I'm not going to have one put in for Mom as she'd be calling all hrs. Calling Bill, & I'm sure calling an atty. to get her out.

She can also have some of her own furniture & T.V. etc. But she has a fit if I mention it as she doesn't need it because she's going home tomorrow anyhow. So I don't agravate the situation by bringing any personal things up there.

Audrey told me last night that Mom has tried & tried to get out of there & has tried almost every door in the place but they all have alarms on them so she gets caught every time & now because she does try to leave they really watch her close.

She also has a sensor on & she told me she doesn't like that . She thinks it's an ID bracelet or did at first anyhow. But told me Mon. that she just chews it off so they put it on her ankle now & then but what they don't know is she can chew it off her ankle too. Boy 91 & she's more flexible that I am *laugh* [Gotta go for my walk as I skipped yesterday ] LOL Delphine...
Mmmmm...Wow, Aunt Pat must be pretty darned flexible! I don't think I could get my ankle up that far...but then, if you're determined...!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Delphine emailed this to Betty today...
If only our parents could realize we are taking care of them the best way we can, instead of being so mean & ornery about it, & thinking we are trying to hurt them. Mom was in a horrible mood yesterday. It'd been 4 days since I'd seen her & she has no idea on time but was in a bad mood. Wasn't glad to see me at all, it didn't seem, but a lady named Eva who I guess she knew even when dad was still here, came in while I was there & boy was she glad to see her, her whole face lit up. But with me it was bitch & complain the whole time.

She said as soon as she got out of there & got home she was getting in her car & driving to Minn. I said how can you drive to Minn. when you can't even find you way around T. Or C. anymore. She said well I'm just going to walk out those doors one day & keep walking & I'll walk to Minn. Or I'll hitch hike , Someone will pick me up that knows how to get there & will take me to Minn. I told her there is nothing in MInn. anymore what will you do when you get there? She said well they have apts. there you know, or I'll go live with Harriet. HMMMMM!!!!!! How would you like the 2 of them up there living together?!

Saturday, August 09, 2003

I just got back from my morning walk. While walking I thought how free I am & what a beautiful day. Then thought of my Mom Pat (Alberta) locked up in the nursing home & coudn't help but think---What am I doing to her? Then all the thoughts came back of the horror of the past 2 years as I've seen her memory deteriorate so drastically. Her refusal to quit driveing even though Drs. forbid it. Her actually plowing into a car when backing out at our local restaurant & leaving the scene. All the times she refused to take her pills.

All the times she wished she were dead & threatened to commit suicide. She convinces the Drs. she only feels that way in the nursing home but that's not true. She's made these statements & had severe depression times for years. Still the guilt on my part remains. Am I doing the right thing? I know I can't deal with the worry & fear of having her at home anymore & there is no 24 hr. care here.

I only hope my children never have to face this with me.

Friday, August 08, 2003

Aging---Oh how sad. The mother I always knew. My best friend. Now so remote. So angry. So hard to deal with. I cry so much. Unable to sleep well. Hardly able to eat, with the worry. All professionals involved say & assure me she needs to stay in the nursing home out of harm's way from herself.

I have no POA so they tell I have to go for guardianship. I'm in horror of what lies ahead, because this means Mom & I have to go to court together. I can't even imagine what that will be like. She'll know what is happening.

She is so aware momentarily & can adamantly voice her opinion, But moments later no Idea ofwhat she was so aware of moments ago.

My emotions are all torn apart as I'm almost numb & in a (should I-shouldn't I mode). But I know what I have had to deal with - with her memory loss & deep down know it has to be controlled. What a sadness...

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Our mother's sister, Alberta, is nine years older than Mom (which makes Alberta, aka Aunt Pat, 90 years old...) In recent weeks, Aunt Pat had a stroke which was severe enough to incapitate her, making it necessary to put in her skilled care at least temporarily. With hard work, she has improved noticably, but is still frail physically, and even more tenuous mentally. A male friend, whether from true affection or selfish motivations, is fighting for her to return home, against the immediate family's wishes. It's causing a lot of tension, anger, and STRESS, as you might imagine. Below is a bit of what's been going on as explained by Aunt Pat's daughter Delphine in emails to my sisters and I, as well as responses to her from us...


From: Del
To: Betty
Sent: Wednesday, August 06, 2003 9:24 AM
Subject: Anger

When you first put your mom in asstisted care, I know there was tremendous Anger on her part. She called Mom numerous times & was so mad.

Boy, my Mom is raising cain. & Bill sure didn't help. He is now out of the house & banned from the care center. On Saturday he took it upon himself to go to the home & take Mom out. She had a security bracelet on but he told the gal he was just going out for a smoke. So she let them out & he took Mom right to the car & home.

It was quite a day as Mom wouldn't budge & Bill had a loaded arsenal of guns & threatened to blow us all away if we tried to take her. He has Mom convinced we all hate her, are trying to get rid of her, that he's the only one who loves her & we have her in a facility equal to a Nazi prison camp. "Only thing missing is the swastikas on the wall..."

Nursing home had to call in the police since they were responsible should she get hurt. She walks now but very weak & not very far.

The police sargeant finally talked her into going with him to the hospital to make sure she was O.K. All sorts of social workers got involved. I have no power as Mom would not give me any as she thought you guys did your folks dirt with Sharon's power of atty.

Anyhow she raved about suicide & all so it got down to either being taken to Las Cruces in handcuffs by police to a psych ward or calming down & going back to the nursing home. So we finally got her back in the home.

Everyone - police, social workers, hospital staff, and nursing home staff - all say I need to get Legal guardianship. I went to a lawyer on Tuesday with doctor letters & told him the story; he says I have no grounds for guardianship, that I need a doctor to actually state she needs it & then still have to prove it in a court of law.

All I can say is if she manages to go back home I am going to insist on some sort of document that I am not responsible for what ever happens.

Would you please forward this to Trish too as I don't know how to send to more than one & don't want to write it all over.

Love Del


That is SO nuts, what they're making you go through. I think I can speak for Betty and I, having gone through a similar but not as bad situation with our Mom (I'm not sure you know about it, but Mom also had a fit once and was taken to psych ward for a week of evaluation, etc., but no guns were involved!), that we have great sympathy for what you're going through! It's definitely analogous to parents and rebelous teens, except the teens are the elderly parents. We get it from both ends...!! I'm leaving explicit word to shoot me if I try that crap when I'm older...!