Tuesday, November 18, 2003

The Greenhouse Project is a movement of people who envision a more positive environment for not only caring for but nuturing our elders. I think it's exciting! I intend to follow this idea and those like it. For now, it is limited where this kind of thinking is actually practiced, and will probably be too late for our Mom. While we do what we can now, I think about MY senior years and what I would like...

Thursday, November 06, 2003

I read the notes you found of your mothers. I too found a little notebook of my Mom's Quite lengthy but here are her thoughts. I had bought her a little notebook & some colored sparkly ink pens. And this is what she did with them.

I like school sopplies. They remind me of my childhood days. My Dad always told me that our school days were the happiest of our lives. I sure believe that now. Children today are so lucky to have all the modern school supplies. All we had was ink pen. pencil & paper. But I loved school I can remember so many of my teachers & schoolmates. The different things they have today are so interesting & fun. My hand is so shaky today I can hardly write so guess I will quit.

I got some pens today & this notebook. It Is fun the colors are great. These pens are fun. I love my dog Baby Girl. She is a Sheltie dog & is quite pretty. Also a very good dog. These pens are fun. It is fun I liked school when I was a kid. I was lost at first when I graduated. (again mentions how she likes the pens)

I am in a bad mood today.It seems like everything is going wrong. I hate being alone. I never was good alone but only John appreciated that. I don't know why I had to lose him. I miss him so much. He was only 63 (actually he was only 53) & here i am 83 (she was 89) I think. This has been a long day. I hope Del picks me up tonight. I know I'm a burden on her too. Guess I should be dead then I'd be a burden to noone. Life gets tedious don't it??

Don't Push me I don't need it.

Here I am again. Del came & got me & we went to Denny's. She said she'd pick me up at 5 when she is thru work. I hope she does. I get so lonely. Some days are so long & the nites are worse. I fed the pigeons today. Sure have some pretty ones. I think of Gordon when I feed them as he loved feeding them too. Pops (a friend of Mom's) hates them& shoots them with a pellet gun. I'd like to take it & shoot him & see how he likes it. Pigeons aren't the best of birds but they are all we have down here except for sparrows. In Minn. we have lots of robins, bluejays, etc.

I like these pens. They are pretty & fun. This is getting to be like a diary. Maybe that's good & maybe not. I get so lonely. I've thought of going to Moose Haven but I have my "Baby Girl" I don;t wast to leave her. In fact I won't. These are fun pens they write so easy. I hope Del comes & gets me tonight. I know I am a burden but I won't be here much longer. I am 86 I think. Eileen is in a nursing home but I can understand that in a way. She was an alcoholic at one time in her life & would drink all night. I stayed up with her but could never drink like she did. We were best friends at one time & then I got pissed at her & things have never been the same since.

8pm Just got home from Del's. Had a good dinner. It is getting very dark out. I brot a bone home for baby girl & she is eating it. & lying by Bandit & me. I love my dogs. They are good company for me, but I sure wish I had human companionship too as I miss talking to people. It is so lonely here at times. I have never contemplated suicide but think that Johnny told me that once so I won't do it. I am so scared at nite & that is from my grandma. I didn't like her much. But I sure loved my grandpa. He was so great.

I often think of my Mom & how she lived for 11 or 12 yrs. alone. Of course she lived with me & John for quite a while & we had a balll together. I often think of Harriet & when we use to herd cows together. She was only 8 when i left home. Poor little girl lonely girl. I used to feel so sorry for her. People shouldn't have children so far apart. I was 18 she was 8

This is another color of my pens. I guess it is gold. This is blue. They are fun, Don't you think?

Sometimes I am so lonely I don't know what to do. Why should I?? How about that.

I am alone tonight. I don't like being alone. I have "Baby Girl" & Bandit with me, they are my dogs. They are good company but don't talk to me. T. V. is awful tonite it is ghost stories & I don't need that. These pens are fun I like them.

I wish Harriet was here. When we were kids we always said we'd live together but we never have. I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss her. I wonder how she is doing. Other than being so scared alone I'm fine. I always hated being alone. The only one who appreciated that fact was John. He knew how I felt & then I lost him. Life isn't very fair some times but I guess it is God's will.

I don't like being alone but maybe I won't be much longer. I wonder what David is doing tonite. I wish he could come back down here & live with me. I miss him too. But it is good he is with his daughter,that's as it should be. I think of my Mom alone in St. Vincent for so many yrs. How did she stand it? I know she read her Bible daily.

Ther isn't much on T.V. tonite. Mostly murder & sex crimes. Who needs that??

I should call Harriet. Maybe I will tomorrow. I don't know why I should. I sometimes wish I was dead. I am so lonely & so afraid & I don't know what I'm afraid of. I never was good alone. I guess that's it. I should see if I can get a roommate to come live with me. I wish I knew someone. Sure wish Harriet could have stayed here.

Just got home from the club. It is 7:45 I HATE BEING ALONE!!!! Wish I was dead. Maybe I won't be here much longer. There is a way out. I don't need anyone to help me. I love my Baby Girl If it wasn't for her I'd be gone. I've always been afraid alone. The only one who understood that was John

Good Morning!!! It is cloudy today but I think the sun is going to come out. I feel so funny today, like someone hit me in the stomach. I think it is fear but I don't know what I'm afraid of except I am no good alone & I hate being alone. I wonder how the families in New York are today. What a terrible tragedy. The S.O.B. won't get us down. When will they learn!!! They should take them all "OUT" a crucify them. All they know is war a violence any way. I'm glad I'm not in New York,but are we really safe anywhere any more. I wonder how Eva feels about her Arab husband & if he has been threatened like some of them have.

Baby girl is my dog. She's a shelty & is a nice dog but a little spoiled. I have been so afraid since the incident in New York. It isn't too good yet tonite either. Jodie called today & said Eric was coming over to get the rifle but I told her I was going to be gone. I wouldn't give it to him anyway. Who does he think he is. The gun is mine & Daryl will get it in my will but not before. So much for Eric. Here I am Alone again tonite & I hate it. It is going to rain, I think ar ar least it looks like it. I had a really good pork dinner at the VFW club tonite & got home before dark. I wonder what the news will be like tonite.

Let it be Let it be Let it be The darn dog is driving me nuts tonite. She is so restless--in & out In & out. Finally I put her out & closed the door.

( there is much more but getting too lengthy so won't post anymore as most of it is just repeats basically of all this. Talking about being alone her dogs, Harriet etc. Also mentioned later how she missed her sister Clara etc. And mentions several times how she feels so funny & her arm & hand don't want to work. Seem to do what they want & she doesn't know how she will read her own writing & saying she must be having strokes.)

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

A message from our mother, to her daughters (Sharon, Betty, and Patricia)...
I love you still even though you sometimes treat me like dirt. Dad & I went through hell to bring you back from California and away from Tom the devil's cohort. It really tore your Dad apart to see you in the condition you were living in. Estelle gives me a pain in the ass. She should have stayed at home and raised her kids properly. She thinks she is so smart. She sits and puffs away on her cigarette and thinks everything will be okay if she dishes the money out to those no good boys of her's. I've got news for her. She is just helping them to get into Lucifer's hands deeper and deeper.

I thank God we got you away from there but don't know for sure if you are glad we did or not.

I pray that Daniel tries to walk the right path. Eva is sort of off the right path but pray she turns back before it's too late!

I'm sure glad my mother is not alive to see all this as it would break her heart. I'm so thankful that I did all the right things for her even though she and I always had our arguments. We loved each other immensely! She was not just my mother, she was the best friend I ever had on earth! When I needed to talk to someone she was always ready to listen and to encourage me to go on!!

She did not have it easy as a child. Her father was a drunkard! I don't know where he would end up after death. He did long before I was born so never knew him. My other grandpa, Grandpa Fitzpatrick, was wonderful and loved all the grandchildren. He always had a pocketful of pink peppermints. I was 4 1/2 when he died so can't really remember him too well.

I remember his big white beard. I do believe I'll see him and my grandma in heaven! What a wonderful reunion that will be!!!

When the Lord calls me I hope I don't struggle to live as I want to drift into the arms of Jesus nice and easy. Betty, I'd love to talk with you someday. Trish, too, if she wants to listen to me.

I was so delighted to have three little girls, and it was so fun to sew all of your clothes. I sure spent hours at that machine. Dad was so pleased that he would sneak up behind me, give me a peck on the cheek. He loved me so tenderly! Sure we had our arguments but they never came to blows.

Grandpa Short was so cruel to Grandma Short. I don't know why she stayed with him as she was a teacher. But of course the wages were so low I supposed she couldn't make it. So she just stayed and kept having kids. Can you imagine - he blamed HER for that, too, as if he didn't have any part in it, the miserable bastard!

I wouldn't take anything from him. He said, 'You think you're so smart.' I said, 'You're damned right, and a lot smarter than you.' I bet your Dad could have told you things that would make your blood curdle of how his Dad treated your Grandma Short.

There are lots of men around today that take part, but women can get a lot better help if they aren't afraid to ask.

Some days I wish I'd never been born. Happiness is an illusive visitor to me. I've struggled with that all my life. The happiest time was with you three girls and your Dad!!! Your Dad was a prince!!!

No man has a right to treat a wife like a child! A wife is a grown intelligent adult and should be treated as such.

My hand is getting tried so better quit and finish this later...
I found these notes while tidying up her room recently...

Monday, November 03, 2003

My sister Betty asked the director of our Mother's assisted living facility how she sees our Mother now, and over the next few months...
Your mom is really pretty much the same as before. She has really good moments and days and then not so good ones. She has made friends with Kay and really enjoys being with her at coffee and card time. Kay can typically get her up and moving quite a bit. There really is no predicting what are the good days. I do think that she is eating a lot of junk food and is then not very hungry for the main meal. I don't believe that she has had any major weight loss or gain, I will double check this. Over the next year I can't honestly say. Is she doing worse than before- not really-she's still up and down, good and bad etc. Is she doing any better. No, pretty much the same. We will just have to continue to try and motivate her as much as possible and keep her safe. We will also monitor the memory loss and see if that is affecting her in any major way. Is she safe right now, I believe so. But the other possibility is that at some point she may decline, have a fall, or begin to wander. These are the things that we watch for. Sometimes they are predictable and sometimes they are not. I am sorry that I can't give you more of a definitive answer. For now I say just continue to love her up the way you all do and enjoy the good moments. Thanks Susan