Sunday, July 11, 2004

I know exactly what my cousin Delphine means. I'm seeing it more and more with my Mom (who is the sister to her mom...) My sister Betty and I visit at least every other week together with Mom, but periodically also pop in at other times. Inbetween we maintain contact with the facility she lives in to make sure things are OK for her and how she's doing.

However, it's getting increasingly difficult to just visit with her, to hold a conversation, to find things to even talk about. How many times can you comfort someone about losing their spouse whom they loved so much? The words have long ago become empty as you say them because you know they don't help. You go through the motions and end up feeling horrible and you don't know why. You try to do all the right things but you feel like you've done the opposite.

We're in a new age where people are living longer, but not necessarily living better. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that if I face old age, I will make sure I plan things so I suffer least, and burden less. Exactly how I will do this, I am exploring as we speak, but I don't want to just exist, and exist in pain. It does no honor to anyone...