Monday, September 15, 2003

Mom seems to be becoming more morose, obsessing about Dad...beyond normal grief. I still feel it's in connection with her mental state in general. Age-induced dementia creeping in more and more, her life-long emotional fragility, and her deep grief for the loss of Dad, all contribute to her withdrawal from life mixed with deep-seated anger at her circumstances. She lashes out at family members not present, when I'm with her. One day she's thankful for where she lives, the next she hates it. I am not where she is...yet. But I can imagine being thankful for having something, but still hating not having another preferred choice. It's always easier to complain than be positive!

This past week, we're realizing it might not be long before Mom may need skilled care. It could be a long time. Hard to say. But things slowly but surely are changing.

I wrote to my sisters tonight, saying...
Sharon:

Betty and I dropped off vinyl mattress and pillow covers tonight for Mom's bed which will be used in conjunction with on-top pads, as well as pull-ups at night only (for now). Night only for now because that's all it appears she needs them for since she can still get to the bathroom in the daytime, only has limited incontinence in the daytime, so pads should be enough. This will save money since pull-ups are very pricey.

Betty brought a battery charger. We tried jumping but no go. Tomorrow I'll go back over and (hopefully) get the car started. We'll then go get the car washed and vacuumed, if not before Saturday, then ON Saturday (since Don's Car Wash may not be available in the evenings after my work during the weekdays, and I ain't washing/vacuuming this out myself...sorry, I'm too old and lazy...!)

There is NO current registration, plate tags, and insurance on the car. If we do this, we do this risking a ticket and an accident. If anyone has anything to say before we try this, say it now! The car looks pretty clean to me anyways, but it's up to majority rules...Let me know your thoughts on this. Yes, we _could_ look into short-term insurance, but I say it's not worth it - a lot of trouble plus money Mom can't afford. I say, take a chance, OR leave it parked until a person is interested, drives it, and buys it...

Mom doesn't know it yet, but we are going to try the hairdresser there for her soon. I say 'soon' because I know Mom likes Alice, likes to get out, etc., but the problem with having a set appointment is that it's not always possible to get Mom them when she's in 'sleeping mode', which is unfair to Alice. Alice has been more than reasonable with Mom missing appointments here and there, sometimes 2 in a row. And if that is all there was to it, that would be one thing, but Mom is increasingly becoming internalized, either obsessing on Dad and weeping, repeating 'love of my life' over and over, you don't know what to say or do, there IS nothing to say or do. She also gets very mean and talks about other people negatively which I hate hearing. In other words, it's not only not fun, it's painful to be with her. Physical ailments can be coped with. Grieving can be coped with and the person passed on talked about and cherished. But Mom's reactions are becoming increasingly more negative and hard to deal with on an emotional level for her and for me. Both of you would not like it (you probably have had it happen to a degree yourselves, probably, right?) being with Mom, her saying "I want to be dead..." over and over, crying, saying cruel hurtful things about you both. I'd rather be able to call Mom or just drop in on her when there is no deadline to get to a hair appointment, and if she's in a good mood, THEN take her out. HAVING to take her out, even when dead asleep and rousing her, lifting her, which isn't easy, etc., and/or coping with deep grief and/or anger...no, life is too short you guys. I'll try taking her to Alice this week and even next, but the first time I hit another snag, that is it...