It's Easter today. I haven't had a moment to write down my thoughts until now. My sister Sharon flew in on Friday to be here for Mom's 80th birthday on Saturday. Friday evening we had a talk with Mom about her finances and her car. She agreed to sell it. Also, we'll be going through the storeage unit and dispersing the items in it asap. Mom explained who she would like to have what items, etc. Betty will store the items for Sharon until she can come up with a car to take them home. I hope to find a pair of Dad's overalls to keep for sentimental reasons.

We celebrated Mom's birthday in fine form. Betty's inlaws provided music. Mom even got up and danced for a bit. Tears came to her eyes, and I daresay a tightness in her heart, as the band played her requested "You are My Sunshine". Chris and I photographed the event. Mom's oldest friend from her high school days, Betty (Clinton) Bjerke, was able to come by and celebrate with her. I took some shots of them together...


It's moments like these that force you to take stock of your own life, to slow down and remember what is truly important. Fortunate is the person who can appreciate these moments for what they are...

This past Saturday, I went to pick up Mom after her hair appointment. I rushed into the mall where the salon is, feeling late. She was walking towards me in her black coat in her black boots holding her black handbag. I say, "Mom, sorry I'm late, were you waiting long?" "No, not long, 5 minutes maybe..." We walk out to the car. As I pull away, Mom says, "I saw a man who looked just like your Dad...I thought it was Gordon for a moment." My heart tightens. This isn't the first time she's said that. While I would never presume to know the depth she feels, I imagine it a bit remembering a time in my own life that someone I held dear left me, and the pain was horrific. That pain pails in comparison to hers. From age 16 to almost age 80, Dad was a constant in her life. "I dream about him," she says between sobs. "I have nothing to live for..." What can I say? There is nothing to say. I try and honor her feelings, and be there for her; that is enough.

From A Recovering Widow's Poems website:

It's so hard
to be in love
with a dead man

I just want this pain to end!
But it seems
if that happens,
it will be the end
of him.

Sometimes
when the memories of "before"
flood over me
it's like waking up and
realizing it was all a dream.
I even remember the part
in the dream about thinking
"this is too good to be true".

From JoAnn and Jerry Johnson (Jerry is my Mom's nephew, her sister Clara's son, and our cousin):

Hi Trish,

I just showed and read the website about your mother to Jerry. It was beautifully done! You did a beautiful job of setting up, and what a nice tribute to her.

It sure is sad when we have to see our parents deteriorate in mind or body isn't it? The best we can do is be there for them, and love them. We're
sorry to hear that she's gotten so forgetful and is so lonely, but it would be so hard to lose your companion after so many years!

Thanks for thinking of us! Your mother is lucky to have you girls!

Love,
Jo-An & Jerry

Dear Mom:

Thanks so much for sharing your feelings with me! I miss you much and I miss dad too. He was a wonderful father and I have many great memories of his humor, teasing, tickling and his story-telling abilities.

You were so lucky to have such a great love and to have shared so many years together. I hope Bill and I may have many more years together. Each day is a gift. I'm glad that you and dad got to share many years together in New Mexico and finally got to buy and live in a new home down there.

I look forward to having you visit this summer over part of June and July when the weather is nice and we can get outside more. We can play the old phonograph some more and laugh and cry together over some of those melodies and memories.

Bye for now.

Love, Sharon

-----Original Message-----
From: harrietshort
Sent: Wednesday, March 20, 2002 7:05 PM
To: shannaford
Subject:

I miss you so much and I am so lonesome for dad that I sit and cry most of the day. I am so lost without Dad and do not know what to do. He was the love of my life and none can ever take his place. He was so special.

He was wonderful father to all of you girls, and the most loving husband you could ever ask for in lifetime; I was so lucky to have him. You girls were most fotunt to have him as our father.

I know he will reap many rewards in heaven for his time spent on earth. He was faithful to me and never strayed. I loved him so much and that is why it is so hard to release him from my heart. I will always love him the rest of my life. No one can ever take his place. Love, Mom

From our cousin Jackie (whose grandfather Fred Fitzpatrick was a brother to our grandfather, Sheldon Albert Fitzpatrick) after she visited OurMother, and my response to her:

Very depressing! Death is inevitable, its sad but true. The minute that we are born, we know that death will come. When and how or where we don't know. Get as much information from your Mom on her memories now while you can. Its important. Ask her about her mother and father, grandparents etc.

I know what your going thru! God bless you all. My mother had such a bad childhood and would not talk about it until the near end, when she would answer the questions that I asked her. Stella and her two sisters were put in the Poor farm in Hallock until they were 18 yrs old. They were put in their by their Uncle Ward Finney. Their mother wanted them to come to Canada to be with her and her sisters. But that would have been to much trouble to get the birth certificates of the girls so they could go there.

They were born all over while Ella followed her husband on the railroad. They were molested by the man who ran the home. Her grandparents would not except them, as there own.
I believe only Hannah Fitzpatrick Fox came to visit them. They were in a loveless invirement. She said that Mom Anderson was the only real person who loved and cared for them.

When the girls reached the age that they could work then their father Fred Fitzpatrick would have them come to Detroit to work. The only one who stayed in the area was Kay Fitzpatrick she went to work for a Doctor in Fargo and she was the only one that finished school.

Ask your mother about this, will you? Tell her I think of her often, and hope she is happy.

Love Jackie
-----------
Jackie:

Thanks for replying so promptly, and for your reactions. Also, I really appreciated your sharing about your mother more. From what I can tell, there were very hard decisions made (sometimes unnecessarily so as you indicated, if someone had cared enough to bother) by both sides of my mother's family, the Fitzgeralds AND the Fitzpatricks. As you may or may not know, my Grandma Fitzpatrick, whose maiden name was Fitzgerald, had two younger brothers who were put up for care after my great grandmother died. Their father, William Fitzgerald, was such an alcoholic, it was probably for the best (he died only 5 years later ran over by a train while intoxicated). I remember my mother saying that her Mom, their sister, would have taken them in, but she had only just gotten married herself, and things were very tight. It was definitely a different time then...

From Golnar Fozi's First Day of School, an essay about her mother:

Three years ago, my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease...Her neurologist, who lost his own mother to Alzheimer's Disease, explained it best. He said it is as if Alzheimer's Disease patients live in a parallel universe where time is meaningless and nothing makes such sense. Periodically, they stop at a window that gives into our world, and look through it. If we happen to be standing there at that same instant, then we establish a momentary contact before they walk away. The best those of us who love them can possibly hope for is that we are standing there when they look through the window. For a few seconds they see us there and know that we never left them.

Our Mother is quoted.

"...Her mind and soul are always with Dad, and is just waiting for her earthly shell to give up."

It's insights like those, as well as our own experience, etc., that I'm looking for on this blog.

All 3 of us have now been parents as well as partners with people we love dearly, and can surely relate to the trials, tribulations, and blessings of relationships. I think we will be very blessed by writing about them on this blog, and in turn likely bless others...

June 15, 2000 Email from Mom:

---

I feel rather down in more ways than one. DAD HAD AN APPT AT THE UROLOGIST TODAY AND THE NEWS IS NOT GOOD. He said dad has many spots in his bladder and will be going down next Wednesday to have a biopsy surgery to verify the cancer and then will have to have chemo. Dad said on the way home that he feels he will not be around next year at this time and it would not surprise me in the least and he said that by all means he wants to come up there as planned as he feels it will be his last time. He loves to be outdoors and taking care of his flowers and all the things he planted so there will many things to remember him by.

TRICIA, I love him so and do not know how I will get along without him as he is my only.

Love Mother

Oh Mom, what can I possibly say? It's only just these past two years, and even moreso this past year, that I can even begin to say that I am finally understanding how you must feel about Dad. I am a most fortunate woman to have Chris in my life. He is a quiet man, but his love runs deep. He puts up with me when I am cranky sometimes, but he gives as good as he gets, and sometimes we just have a night or two on our own, and I putz around, and next day we start again. But we respect each other, and he has his good and bad moments, like I have mine. He rubs my legs or feet, or massages my shoulders after sitting in front of a computer all day and they're SO sore, and it's like magic, his touch, with a healing effect. So I think I am beginning to understand what you've known for many years: having that special person in your life is the most precious thing in the world. Only when we're faced with hard news do we fully realize it. We know all along, but it magnifies it in our minds. Don't look on this time with dread, but cherish it. It's a very special time, strange as that may sound. We all know we face a transition down the road from now into eternity, but we don't really have any idea how it will be, nor what we will do, until we face it. I cannot tell you I know what you're feeling, I can only imagine. But I do know it would be hard, very hard. My love and prayers are with both you and Dad, and I am so glad you will be coming up here this summer...We greatly look forward to the visit. Take every day one day at a time. Don't allow fear of later steal the joy of now.

Love, Trish

Some of our emails to and from Mom...


ECHOS

3/9/02

I called Mom about 2:30 pm during snow storm to just talk. She was just getting up. I asked her if Trish had called and canceled the hair appointment. She did not remember. She just said she was tired. It was a short call - I let her go to get up and get around.

I called Mom again to remind her to watch Red Skeleton on PBS at 6 pm. She was going to.

Mom called me about 9:15 and said she just needed to hear my voice and asked me to pray for her as she was having a bad day. Said Lori W. had stopped in and brought her some flowers, card and a doll that sang "You are my Sunshine" - she put it up to the phone. Actually, she had told me this several times during the week, as I believe Lori was there early in the week - but Mom has no sense of time or what day it is. She just said how much she loved Dad and misses him while she was crying. I reassured her and talked about general things. Since it was so cold we mutually agreed not to have her come out to church on Sunday.
She just wanted to stay in.

3/11/02

Mom called about 8:15 and asked where Trish was? I said I didn't know. Mom said that she was suppose to come and they were going to go out to Bennigan's for supper. She had been waiting a long time with her coat on and purse by the door. (I later called Trish and confirmed what I thought - there had been no plans for this...) Mom said she had not had supper and then thought something must have come up with Trish and she couldn't make it. She was hunger - I suggested that she better go check out the kitchen and see if anyone could get her a little something. She talked with Taylor about 5 minutes on the phone and then we said good night.

I felt VERY bad and went to sleep feeling very bad for her and remember what my mother used to be like. I want my mother back. And, I k-n-o-w it's going to get worse...

Betty

This will be an interesting journey, Betty and Sharon. Life is change, and we're a bit more sensitive and aware of that at the moment because of this past year, aren't we?

I look forward to writing together. This will be a positive thing. Thank you, Betty, for the idea...