Eye of the Storm

We're in the eye of the storm, right now, where Mom is settled into a nice place to live, her physical health is consistently good while her mental health is diminishing a wee bit but still OK. It won't be that way for long, though, and we all sense that, and cherish what little time we have left with her. Sometimes our lives get so busy, we let weeks slip by without more than mere short visits or calls. When Mom is up to it, we take her out, but it's always a gamble on if she will be feeling well enough, or starts out OK and then has accidents while out. While it is true that we all end up going backwards at the end to a state similar to our childhood, the one difference is that we were much smaller then. Handling a large adult that barely can walk, and cannot change their underwear and clothes after having an accident is a much more challenging - and scarey - task to contemplate. You balance keeping them safe and dignified with trying to continue to share your life with them. It's a tough call sometimes...

I usually hate most of the so-called 'cute' messages many women forward in emails to other women. I find them irritating and condescending, and some are just plain badly written, not funny at all, and just sappy.

The one below is a bit more realistic and therefore IS amusing...

POSITION :
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

My adult heart breaks with the recognition of her age as the child in me wants to pull at her skirts to look upon her as she was when I was a little girl. The tears that blur my vision smooth the deep creases in her face and leave her skin appearing as flawless as fresh cream poured into a porcelain saucer. I don't want to blink. I am not ready for her to be old.

A woman writes about the passing of the torch between mother and daughter...

I am so sorry to hear about Aunt Pat's episodes. It's very difficult to say what is causing them, to be perfectly frank. Even a neurologist might only be able to say it's probably dementia-related. There is so much about the human brain we just don't understand. It's quite possible that Aunt Pat is dreaming and just can't tell the difference between dreaming and reality anymore. I can imagine that line being easily blurred if you are older, your energy much less, your body including your mind not working as well as it used to, etc. I can also imagine how painful it is to watch someone you love go through that. I hope Delphine does go ahead and gets married, that she is able to share these concerns with her husband-to-be, and that he can be a blessing to her in this difficult time...

Otherwise
by Jane Kenyon

I got out of bed
on two strong legs.
It might have been
otherwise. I ate
cereal, sweet
milk, ripe, flawless
peach. It might
have been otherwise.
I took the dog uphill
to the birch wood.
All morning I did
the work I love.

At noon I lay down
with my mate. It might
have been otherwise.
We ate dinner together
at a table with silver
candlesticks. It might
have been otherwise.
I slept in a bed
in a room with paintings
on the walls, and
planned another day
just like this day.
But one day, I know,
it will be otherwise.

He told me I already had -- my name was always, already written down in the Book, on high. I, sometime I think I'm seeing all the people right now, 'cause they in my dreams so much, and I believe this is the way you're gonna see your family.

This quote, from my earlier post about a daughter watching her mother slip away, is from the mother herself. It caught my eye because it reminded me of something. It then dawned on me it's because it's similar to what Mom says about dreams. Sleep is a blessing to her, because she is with those she loves in them, especially Dad...

"I remember my childhood watching you work hard to make life easier for me. I remember you making a home out of a house -- houses -- condemned. I heard you outside in the chill of the morning chopping wood to make a fire, so that the house would be warm when I got out of bed. I heard you singing in the kitchen and the smell of food cooking to feed me. I saw you come home tired from working all day every day, to ensure we had money to meet our needs."

"I believe while I was sleeping, you were up praying. I know now how when I complained about the shoes I wore and my clothes being hand-me-down or out of style, that I really had a hidden treasure -- a treasure more valuable than brand name materials. I know now that clothes will either out – I will either outgrow and/or fashion will continue to change, shoes will become old and worn, but love is from everlasting to everlasting."

"You represent the tree by the rivers of waters bearing fruits of the spirit of God. I glorify God in his infinite wisdom that created love and called it 'Mother.'"

A daughter writes about - and remembers - her mother, as she watches her die...

I know exactly what my cousin Delphine means. I'm seeing it more and more with my Mom (who is the sister to her mom...) My sister Betty and I visit at least every other week together with Mom, but periodically also pop in at other times. Inbetween we maintain contact with the facility she lives in to make sure things are OK for her and how she's doing.

However, it's getting increasingly difficult to just visit with her, to hold a conversation, to find things to even talk about. How many times can you comfort someone about losing their spouse whom they loved so much? The words have long ago become empty as you say them because you know they don't help. You go through the motions and end up feeling horrible and you don't know why. You try to do all the right things but you feel like you've done the opposite.

We're in a new age where people are living longer, but not necessarily living better. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that if I face old age, I will make sure I plan things so I suffer least, and burden less. Exactly how I will do this, I am exploring as we speak, but I don't want to just exist, and exist in pain. It does no honor to anyone...

My mother Alberta, or Pat, is in a nursing home. She will soon be 92 on July 13th. I take her out to get her hair done once a week. We usually go on Tuesday, but I was out of town so made I it for Thursday this week. She is usually so eager to get out and after the hairdresser I take her out to eat.

When I got to the nursing home Thursday, Mom was sound asleep in her wheelchair. I called her name and she looked up at me sort of blankly. I said, "Are you ready to go get our hair done?"

She said in a very low voice that I could hardly hear, "I guess I am supposed to, huh?"

I said, "Well, we were supposed to go Tuesday, but I was gone so I have one for today which is Thursday."

She said, "What day is it?"

I said, "Thursday. Do you want to go or are you too tired?"

Again in a very weak and low voice she said, "Too tired. I guess I'll wait 'til Tuesday."

So I went alone. I'm not even sure she realized it was me or just thought I was one of the nurses waking her up to take her vitals again...

Over 10 years ago when Mom's third husband was living she had some surgery done on a tear duct. For some reason that eye lid over the tear duct is now severely inflamed. So I talked to her nurse and asked her to have the doctor look at it and maybe prescribe some drops or something. Her first comment was, who is her eye doctor? I told her who it is but I said he is in Las Cruces which is 75 miles away and I cannot and will not take Mom there as she is almost totally incontinent now and even though she has protection and I have a rubber sheet in my car I can't take her that far and be gone for that many hours with her incontinency. I just want the doctor here to see what he can do.

Recently Mom fell somehow and fractured two ribs. No one saw her or discovered that she fell but she complained about her side hurting so I took her for x-rays and sure enough she had two fractured ribs. I was then gone for two weeks on a trip. When I came home I asked how her side was and she looked at me puzzled. She had no memory at all that she had been in such pain with the ribs. Then just two days later she fell again and this time the nurse found her on the floor. She bumped her head and got a small cut over one eye. Face turned black and blue and she bent her glasses real bad so I took her to the optometrist and he straightened her glasses. I worry about the time that she will have one of these falls and really break her hip or some such thing. She is failing daily now and for a lady who never looked her years before, they are really piling up now; the age is coming through.

[Posted for Delphine]

We're all going to die. The question is, until then, how will we live? Kitty spent her last months doing the things she loved with the people she loved. She endured pain and discomfort as her body broke down, but nothing overwhelming, thanks to modern pain medications. And in her last days, the people surrounding her, her family and her hospice caregivers, were determined to treat her with dignity, tender care, and love. And that's exactly what they did.

In connection with yesterday's post, I came across this today. It made me think of how Betty couldn't understand (can any us?) why God allows people to hang onto life past when they want to be here. The story addresses how people can make the very end more comforting, that compassion is so important because when we help others we're helping ourselves. But it still doesn't address what comes before. What comes between 'life', and 'the waiting room'. For many people, one doesn't transition neatly into the other. Sometimes there are periods that can last for years where people's bodies are here, but their spirit is gone.