My mother Alberta, or Pat, is in a nursing home. She will soon be 92 on July 13th. I take her out to get her hair done once a week. We usually go on Tuesday, but I was out of town so made I it for Thursday this week. She is usually so eager to get out and after the hairdresser I take her out to eat.

When I got to the nursing home Thursday, Mom was sound asleep in her wheelchair. I called her name and she looked up at me sort of blankly. I said, "Are you ready to go get our hair done?"

She said in a very low voice that I could hardly hear, "I guess I am supposed to, huh?"

I said, "Well, we were supposed to go Tuesday, but I was gone so I have one for today which is Thursday."

She said, "What day is it?"

I said, "Thursday. Do you want to go or are you too tired?"

Again in a very weak and low voice she said, "Too tired. I guess I'll wait 'til Tuesday."

So I went alone. I'm not even sure she realized it was me or just thought I was one of the nurses waking her up to take her vitals again...

Over 10 years ago when Mom's third husband was living she had some surgery done on a tear duct. For some reason that eye lid over the tear duct is now severely inflamed. So I talked to her nurse and asked her to have the doctor look at it and maybe prescribe some drops or something. Her first comment was, who is her eye doctor? I told her who it is but I said he is in Las Cruces which is 75 miles away and I cannot and will not take Mom there as she is almost totally incontinent now and even though she has protection and I have a rubber sheet in my car I can't take her that far and be gone for that many hours with her incontinency. I just want the doctor here to see what he can do.

Recently Mom fell somehow and fractured two ribs. No one saw her or discovered that she fell but she complained about her side hurting so I took her for x-rays and sure enough she had two fractured ribs. I was then gone for two weeks on a trip. When I came home I asked how her side was and she looked at me puzzled. She had no memory at all that she had been in such pain with the ribs. Then just two days later she fell again and this time the nurse found her on the floor. She bumped her head and got a small cut over one eye. Face turned black and blue and she bent her glasses real bad so I took her to the optometrist and he straightened her glasses. I worry about the time that she will have one of these falls and really break her hip or some such thing. She is failing daily now and for a lady who never looked her years before, they are really piling up now; the age is coming through.

[Posted for Delphine]

We're all going to die. The question is, until then, how will we live? Kitty spent her last months doing the things she loved with the people she loved. She endured pain and discomfort as her body broke down, but nothing overwhelming, thanks to modern pain medications. And in her last days, the people surrounding her, her family and her hospice caregivers, were determined to treat her with dignity, tender care, and love. And that's exactly what they did.

In connection with yesterday's post, I came across this today. It made me think of how Betty couldn't understand (can any us?) why God allows people to hang onto life past when they want to be here. The story addresses how people can make the very end more comforting, that compassion is so important because when we help others we're helping ourselves. But it still doesn't address what comes before. What comes between 'life', and 'the waiting room'. For many people, one doesn't transition neatly into the other. Sometimes there are periods that can last for years where people's bodies are here, but their spirit is gone.

Da Mouse says:
want to hear about Mom today?
BettyBoop says:
Yes, write me about it and I will be right back.
Da Mouse says:
Picked Mom up at 2pm, wasn't awake. Got her up by 2:30 (!) After much hassle with wheelchairs and walkers and parking and...sigh...got her there 5 min late to have her have to go potty. Eventually saw Dr. Tufte. Glacoma good, eyes not bad. Got subscription that couldn't be filled there. Had to go to vision assoc in center mall. more hassles. Got ice cream at ColdStone, more potty trips...and poop mess I had to wipe her down and clean best I could...her glasses will be in in 10 days, I pick up or they mail, can't remember which. I took Eventide staff to task about losing them before and risk now. I was told to talk to management. I'll research what other institutions have done for kleptomaniac geriatrics and suggest they do the same!! Someone stealing hearing aids, dentures...and glasses, three of a person's most expensive things, as they say happens 'often', is NOT acceptable...
BettyBoop says:
Wholly cow what a day!! You have more patience and love to handle Mom than I am afraid I do. I am ashamed to admit. Where was the poopy mess at?
Da Mouse says:
Coldstone
BettyBoop says:
How did she react?
Da Mouse says:
We just laughed because it smelled so bad and I made a big fuss about that as I cleaned her up, better to laugh than cry...
BettyBoop says:
so true. Would there have been anyway at all to have had Eventide have her at least ready? I have you have tried before but man!!
Da Mouse says:
I pointed out to Eventide that no glasses directly affects her quality of life, she has little that makes her happy and reading is one of them and she can't read if her glasses keep getting 'lost'
BettyBoop says:
And, did she have a diaper on? What did they say then, about the glasses after that comment?
Da Mouse says:
They had her dressed, but she was sleeping...yes, she had diaper on...I took pad for carseat, but forgot spare diaper this time and will try to remember next time, IF there is a next time...They didn't say much, but looked sheepish. What CAN they say? It was shortly after that that she suggested talking to 'manager', and I said will they have anything new to say, I doubt it...I said that out loud to her face...muttered, asked if there was anything else she needed to know about Dr., said goodbye...
BettyBoop says:
at least you spoke your peace
Da Mouse says:
yes, I did, and I didn't lose my cool, but I probably sounded disgusted and frustrated, but nothing wrong with that. I think it would be wrong NOT to stand up for Mom. I will keep you posted after talking to Eventide management, and after I finish research. I'm finding there is a lot about kleptomania and the elderly, but haven't found any ideas for dealing with it in nursing home setting yet...
BettyBoop says:
I have a question.
Da Mouse says:
The thing is, they care for them with love, but they are not trained for addressing mental issues and they have many to deal with, with a dementia unit. Eventide doesn't appear to be very advanced in that regard, unless they're hiding their light under a bushel basket and I'm just not aware of it!
BettyBoop says:
I have often thought myself and wonder if Mom thinks of it too......people want to feel loved and needed. BOTH. When you are in Mom's position in life you do not feel needed anymore. So why does God allow the elderly to have to live this way? I am often puzzled by this. I only ask for others input.
Da Mouse says:
I was just thinking that today myself. Mom often asks it, too, did you know that? She feels there's not point to just existing, and that's what she feels she is doing. I dunno, Betty, I really don't. Maybe it's just the way it is for some people because of their mindset. Maybe if Mom had the ability to get over the hump about missing Dad, she would feel better about herself and life in genera
BettyBoop says:
But why? Why, does God still want them here?
Da Mouse says:
She told me today when I said, I always thought of you as strong and having a great self-esteem, and she said, "No more..." Well, that just makes me think that as nice as her love for Dad was, it was in a way unhealthy. You shouldn't wrap up your whole life in one person. You need to be whole yourself before you can give yourself to another. Grieving for Dad is one thing, but Mom is in a way grieving for herself, for the person she wishes she had been? or was?
BettyBoop says:
For some benefit to us??
Da Mouse says:
Hard to say...The weird thing is, she grieves like someone who has no hope, which if you think about it, if she was thinking like a Christian, she would have comfort in seeing Dad again, just miss him now. She grieves like there is no hope...
BettyBoop says:
I agree with what you said above. I think about Bill and if he dies before me; I cherish him as much and now we have lived together 35 years and hopefully make it to 50; but I want a quality of life even after. I want to grieve but not wallow it forever. [I know. I have seen the same in her and she even questions heaven and God...her whole being of her faith and desire for anything of God is gone.]
Da Mouse says:
Which isn't surprising since she has had anger as a friend all her life, to coin a phrase. Where it came from initially, I would love to know. Anger just doesn't appear out of nowhere. There is something way back there, and darned if I know what it might be...
BettyBoop says:
me either....but I never thought she would end up like this.
Da Mouse says:
Dad saw something in her when she was in the flower of her youth, a happiness he brought out in her, and she reflected back at him. He saw something we'll never see, but I can imagine, and when I look into their faces in their early photographs, I smile, because I can glimpse a wee bit of it then, and know they were so happy...
BettyBoop says:
I feel just the same. I see in Mom's eyes and lost soul. One with fear and saddness.
Da Mouse says:
yep
BettyBoop says:
a lost soul and a sadness that swells over me; that I don't want to embrace... and have no choice.
Da Mouse says:
ain't it the truth...you can abandon your parents, but they'd still be in your mind and heart...
BettyBoop says:
thanks for being there and listening. Bets
Da Mouse says:
same here. I sound tough, but I'm a softy at heart
BettyBoop says:
OHHHH, I know that

A good thing? Maybe. Or maybe just an expensive, temporary gadget disguised in good intentions...

Aunt Pat has scared everyone a little. Cousin Delphine writes:

We were in Arizona for a week. Got back Tuesday. So missed our beauty shop appointment but got one for Wednesday. So I went and got Mom and while at the nursing home they told me Mom is refusing to eat. She started this in April but I guess it is getting worse. She will eat a little breakfast but no other meals. Is becoming very weak and extremely shakey because of it.

She also is hiding all her pills in her bra so as not to take them. She has regressed back to what pills she took about 10 yrs ago and can remember what she took but they have all changed over the yrs. Due to different health problems and changes, so she won't take them now as she remembers when she only took 3 and now takes about 7 and she thinks the nursing home doesn't know what she needs and are trying to poison her.

She also remembers way back when she was in nurses training and how terrible that "institution" food was and no way can "institution" food be any good so now refuses to even taste it. I have eaten there with her several times to check it out and I found the food very good. I have asked them to cut her portions in half as if she gets too much it sickens her before she even starts to eat. So hopefully if there is less on her plate she will feel more like eating. I bought her some candy bars since she isn't eating anyhow and some snack pack puddings in hopes that she will at least get something down. They tried putting her in IDPT ( a separate room where a nurse sits right with you to encourage you to eat) and they did that one day but the next day she raised a fuss and refused to go in there. Today at the cafe by where we go to on beauty shop serves chinese food and makes a very good sweet and sour chicken. Two weeks ago I took Mom and she really ate that. I think I will go get her today and take her for that again to see if she will eat.

Betty and I took Mom shopping. She got all kinds of new spring/summer clothes. She had fun! We were both in a big handicapped fitting room with her, helping her in and out of clothes. Quite an operation! Then went to have ice cream together later...

She says she would rather be with Grandpa since he can't be here, and I suppose at moments she really does, but I also notice that when people take the time to do things with her, to engage her, she comes more alive. It is a strange time in a person's life, though. Everyone gets to that stage sooner or later if you live long enough - you feel like you're in a waiting room, not quite here...but not over there, either.

An IM* conversation between Trish aka Da Mouse (Harriet's daughter) and Delphine (Pat's daughter) earlier today:

Delphine says:
Won't keep you just wondered what kind of care your mom gets. Do they keep her bathed or do they let her refuse to be washed?
Da Mouse says:
To be honest, I'm not sure. I think residents can refuse. But they have a far more structured place at Eventide than they did at Moorhead Manor. It was more casual at the Manor and they didn't like to force issues. They try to make things more routine at Eventide.
Delphine says:
I had to get my Atty after them here as Mom stunk so bad Tues. It was awful. My car still stinks My Atty called them and said my guardianship says that I say mom takes showers & that Mom was proven in court unable to make rational decisions as to her care and they bathe Mom & don't give her the option to say no, she said if I have any more trouble she will get after them again.
Da Mouse says:
I would be angry about that, too.
Delphine says:
She is incontinent and stunk of pee when I got her then she wet while the hairdresser was combing out her hair. Thank fully I had bought a rubber sheet and keep on the seat of my car just in case. But they tried to tell she hasn't been incontinent but I see her pee soaked pants all the time. They now put her in a pull up type diaper.
Da Mouse says:
I don't take Mom to an outside hairdresser anymore. She has too many accidents and it's just too difficult.
Delphine says:
I'm afraid I can't much longer either as Mom was so weak Tues. When we left the beauty shop I had to literally shove her into the car from her wheel chair. She couldn't get her legs under at all. She stunk so bad on top of it that I took her right back to the nursing home. Had to get a man to come out & lift her out of the car into the wheel chair.
Da Mouse says:
It's painful to see our mothers this way. I know Mom tells me it stinks getting old, and I can't say I can argue with her.
Delphine says:
You got that right. Unless something happens to us & we die younger we have that to look ahead to. I just hope my mind doesn't go. I think Mom could still be at home if her mind hadn't gone. She probably wouldn't be helpless then either as she would have walked around but she has just let the wheel chair take over now...

*IM - Instant Messenger

Email exchange between Harriet's daughters today...

Betty, have you gotten any phone calls in the last day or so from Mom or Eventide? Mom left me a cryptic message on my office voice mail today about using the phone and getting in hot water for it then laughed and said that's all she'd say...???

Yes...I got a message from her while she was at the nurses station. Here's the deal. She came into the office to use the phone and realize her big toe hurt really bad. Before, she made a call; the nurses looked at it and realized she has an infection in it and then had her sit with a little tub of HOT WATER. She was making a FUNNY!! Get it?

More 'age' humour*:

An elderly Florida woman calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard." He says. "She got into the back seat by mistake."
_______________________________________

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pausesÂ…"Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________

80-year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home.

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." _______________________________________

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me--I know we've been friends for a long time ... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________________________________

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" ______________________________________

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red, and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and replied, "Crap, am I driving?"

* - I have great respect for older people, but I also have a sense of humour and feel we need to be able to laugh at ourselves...

Being Irish - and having a wickedly black sense of humour at times - I found this spoof to be very, very funny...*

*WARNING: Some of you will take offense, so if you're easily offended, "don't go there"