Death

Mom and I have often talked about death. We've talked about the process, the event itself, and what happens afterwards. We both feel the same way, that is, we both admit we do not know what happens. We can have hopes, beliefs, even faith of what will happen, but we do not know. Both of us are also not scared of death, but don't like the thought of a possible painful path up to it. We both hope for either an easy path, a quick path, or the strength to see whatever through...

Same here

Delphine, we've had the same thing happen with Aunt Harriet, our Mom. I've had many close calls, near misses, sorta misses, and all out misses and horrific messes! It definitely makes it nearly impossible to take someone out who is that incontinent. When a person gets so physically weak that they are entirely dependent on you to lift them, clean them, etc., you need to have more than person, or a mechanical lift, or at the very least training and a back brace. We are not doing our mothers or ourselves any favors by pretending we can continue life as we've known it. Things are not only changing, they HAVE changed. It's hard to face, but it's the truth...

Why

Betty emailed Sharon and I today...

Written by me in 3rd person for Mom:

I called Betty last night at 5:30 and told her to come and pick me up. She asked me why. Told her I wanted to get the hell out of here. They are trying to tell me to wear these diapers. I don't have a bladder problem. And they want me to drink this medicine stuff and I won't be experimented on.

She told me they were eating supper and would come later.

I waited...but she didn't come.

I have no one. This is no way to live.

Why does God let me keep living?

I want to just sleep away - let me sleep away, Lord...please.

Betty went on to say that "I called the nurse's station last night; she did not eat breakfast, only the desert for dinner, no supper. Her meds? She is suppose to have 3 of the serqoul a day. They got 2 in her on Sunday, 2 in her on Monday and none in her on Tuesday.

"Why Lord - I ask myself the same question? Why..."

I responded, saying...

It is most definitely becoming painful to see Mom this way. She is very sad inside, and it's finally coming out more and more to the outside. It's like visiting a ghost when we see her on our bi-weekly visits...

Checking Out

Death passages are like childbirth. Everyone gets a "due date," and it's utter hogwash. When a woman begins to go into labor, she has no idea whether she's going to have a baby in an hour, or the next week. No one knows how it's going to take. However, in childbirth, the medical profession is allowed to intervene... they speed things up, they schedule cesareans, they don't let the mom or baby suffer if they can help it.

In death, perversely, the doctors let you suffer because their hands are tied. By ours law and by our guilt, by our ignorance and our religious hangovers, we are making suffering a pillar of terminal disease care.

Susie Bright, her own mother recently dieing, Susie Bright talks about one of our biggest disgraces in our country - how we are allowing those in pain and/or dying no alternatives but to what can only be labeled as a cruel, long, and painful death. And it will be our turn soon enough, so all of us should be rather concerned, don't you think?

HHS Nursing Home Quality Initiative (NHQI)

Something called the HHS Nursing Home Quality Initiative (NHQI) is making a significant difference in the care of our elderly parents. One interesting point they mentioned is that "...As part of the quality initiatives, ...seven states [will] participate in comprehensive background check programs for new workers in long-term care facilities, as another way to combat abuse and neglect in these facilities."

Christmas 2004

Mom didn't go out to Betty's for Christmas this year. Between the cold weather, and her sleeping during the day, Betty went in to see her while Chris and I were at his parents.

Betty later sent me pictures she took of her visit with Mom...

ME: Mom's eyes sure look more and more odd, don't they? Her eye doctor claims they are doing well as far as glacoma goes, and Mom doesn't complain on being able to see TV or read, so I guess they're OK, but one seems to be 'wandering', and that makes me wonder...

BETTY: I thought Mom looked terrible and she was really weak. I had to even help her open the presents.

ME: I thought even from the photos that she looked weak...and she wasn't very clear on the phone, didn't seem to follow me.

Not sure what this all means, but looking over the past 3 years, I see a definite pattern of Mom slowly leaving us...

Eye of the Storm

We're in the eye of the storm, right now, where Mom is settled into a nice place to live, her physical health is consistently good while her mental health is diminishing a wee bit but still OK. It won't be that way for long, though, and we all sense that, and cherish what little time we have left with her. Sometimes our lives get so busy, we let weeks slip by without more than mere short visits or calls. When Mom is up to it, we take her out, but it's always a gamble on if she will be feeling well enough, or starts out OK and then has accidents while out. While it is true that we all end up going backwards at the end to a state similar to our childhood, the one difference is that we were much smaller then. Handling a large adult that barely can walk, and cannot change their underwear and clothes after having an accident is a much more challenging - and scarey - task to contemplate. You balance keeping them safe and dignified with trying to continue to share your life with them. It's a tough call sometimes...

I usually hate most of the so-called 'cute' messages many women forward in emails to other women. I find them irritating and condescending, and some are just plain badly written, not funny at all, and just sappy.

The one below is a bit more realistic and therefore IS amusing...

POSITION :
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

My adult heart breaks with the recognition of her age as the child in me wants to pull at her skirts to look upon her as she was when I was a little girl. The tears that blur my vision smooth the deep creases in her face and leave her skin appearing as flawless as fresh cream poured into a porcelain saucer. I don't want to blink. I am not ready for her to be old.

A woman writes about the passing of the torch between mother and daughter...

I am so sorry to hear about Aunt Pat's episodes. It's very difficult to say what is causing them, to be perfectly frank. Even a neurologist might only be able to say it's probably dementia-related. There is so much about the human brain we just don't understand. It's quite possible that Aunt Pat is dreaming and just can't tell the difference between dreaming and reality anymore. I can imagine that line being easily blurred if you are older, your energy much less, your body including your mind not working as well as it used to, etc. I can also imagine how painful it is to watch someone you love go through that. I hope Delphine does go ahead and gets married, that she is able to share these concerns with her husband-to-be, and that he can be a blessing to her in this difficult time...