"Where in our brains do our memories lay down? What is it about our memories that enable us to function as capable, sentient beings?"

A daughter reflects on her mother's loss of memory...

'Full recovery...takes two to three years rather than a year. In the older age group, it appears that a few never fully recover their former state of health and well being. As one woman, in her mid-sixties put it five years after her husband's death, "Mourning never ends: only as time goes on, it erupts less frequently." '

The excerpt above is from an article entitled How Long Does Active Grieving Last?. It reminded me of Mom, and how the absence of Dad by her side is still very painful for her, still popping up at every train whistle, despite it being over a year and a half now. Considering their closeness and the length of their relationship, it's small wonder she's still actively grieving.

Last Saturday Mom was like her old self...well, at least like herself 10 years ago or so...

She had a spring in her step, she was a bit crabby (always a good sign!), and didn't bring up Dad once...She talked about the weather, about life at the Manor, we laughed at Garrison Keillor on the radio, and just about died laughing when she informed me halfway to her hair appointment we'd need to make a pit stop for her to go to the bathroom or there'd be an accident. 20 minutes later (!), we left the gas station and still got there early. Good thing I pad extra time in for these outings!

This weekend is her 81st birthday. Betty and I will be taking her out for dinner on Saturday, and Betty will have her out for to her place for cake on Sunday.

We bought her a heated mattress pad for a gift, which I know she'll really appreciate.

Mom commented to me today, "I'll almost be as old as Dad was when he died..."

Betty:

Good article [regarding a job upgrade]- might take a long time; but I think in the long run you will succeed.
I always remember how you said to have endurance when it came to Bill's social security.
How did Mom's perm turn out? Anything new with Mom?
_________________________________

Trish:

Mom's permanent turned out great. We grabbed a bite to eat afterwards.

I won't be going over there this Saturday since it's so soon after this appointment, so her next hair appointment won't be until February 22nd.

The only thing new, which you probably heard about from Mom yourself maybe, is that she's still getting used to her dentures, saying it feels so full all the time like she has a mouthful of food in there. I'm no judge of dentures so it could be just that she needs to get used to them, or, it might be that they are not the best-fitted either. I'm sure there is a definite science to getting them right. They do their best on the casts they make, etc. but it's tricky. Also, you get what you pay for. It's entirely possible that if you forked out a lot more cash you could get a much better-fitting denture. If money was no object, you could get all implants - just like your own teeth, but just fake. VERY expensive from what I've heard...

She 'lost' her dentures and I found them in her cleaning cup! I think what happened after I listened to her is that someone else said they could not find them for her and she assumed they looked there. Anyways, I find that you cannot assume anything when things are 'lost' there. That's the first place I looked and there they were! :)

She has mentioned Dad once, but otherwise has been fairly cheerful. Very quiet though. Unless you engage her she doesn't talk much, seeming to be more and more into her own little world. I think if we want to have Mom with us mentally as long as possible, we all need to call her/visit her and then talk with her about as many meaningful things as possible, otherwise we'll 'lose' her before she's even gone...

I imagine being older, as Mom is, as being like in a mental fog. Your body is there, but it seems heavy. Your limbs don't want to respond like they once did. Your eyes are not as sharp, you have to concentrate just to hear or see where once it was done without a thought. Your taste isn't what it used to be, and the joy out of eating a good meal is dramatically lessened. Many you have known are gone.

I can easily imagine a time when leaving this world despite it being the great unknown would despite that, seem preferable...

Betty and Trish:

Well, mom survived the extractions and new plate but her mouth is very sore. She had soup and ice cream for supper and sucked on hard candy during the evening. She and I watched the Stargate marathon on the SciFi channel to keep her mind off her mouth. She had to sleep sitting up in grandpa's rocking chair in the bedroom. She did slip into bed during for a few hours before getting up to go to 7:45 am appointment with Dr. Chang. She needed to sit upright because of the residual bleeding and swelling. She has to keep the plate in her mouth as much as possible to see where sore spots develop so Barb can make adjustments in the plate. Overall, mom was a trooper. She made jokes and laughed at herself for how she probably looked with a swollen mouth and lip. I stayed close to her all evening and combed her hair alot. She also took Tylenol to relieve the pain. I told her we would celebrate at the end of the week by going out to eat Friday night and to a movie on Saturday. Keep her in your prayers.
__________________________

Sharon:

When hearing about the experiences Mom and you are going through due to her dental situation, I am SO glad that one of us could be with her through this. You made me sniff a bit when you said you hung out with Mom watching SciFi, combed her hair, etc. *smile*

T.

Betty and Trish:

I had one of the nicest weekends with mom since she has been here. She is more like her old self; yes, a little rampaging but not bad. She actually took an interest in the old phonograph and began trying to play the cylinder disks. She was in her element at the party Saturday night and really enjoyed the jokes and laughter of the guests. She got to tell some interesting facts about herself, her crafts and her life. It really stimulated her.

She got up Sunday morning and had breakfast. Because of her fluid retention problem, she stayed home from church but she had made herself a ham sandwich and a cup of tea by the time we got back from church. Then we eat and drove north to see the kids. When we returned, she had made herself supper. While we were gone, she had watched TV, read and taken a nap. She stayed up til 11pm and then took an ambien and promptly went to sleep.

One interesting observation about the last couple of days: When in this mood, she doesn't get weepy and cry as much about Dad. Yes, she misses him but she seems to handle it with more grace and maturity. I guess we can only pray that this pattern takes hold but only time will tell. We watched the SciFi channel together as well as
the Practice and the Star Trek, The Next Generation marathon. She wants to make some chocolate fudge this week so I'll accommodate. I plan to take her shopping at Catherine Pluses this weekend as they are having 70% off sales and also take her to see The Two Towers. Bill and I want to see Gangs of New York.

Sharon

Sharon:

Yes, Mom has had accidents likes this before. We were on the way home from eating out, and bad cramps came upon her, I had to stop asap to let her use a bathroom. When she came out she smelled horrible, and when I asked she started crying and said she had had an accident. She said there was a mess in the bathroom. I went in and it was ALL over the floor in the bathroom and the toilet seat and in the toilet bowl with tons of toilet paper all over. I could have told the management, but I didn't. I left it - it was horrible! I had Mom sit on a paper on the way home to protect my car seat. I immediately arranged a shower for her at the Manor and personally helped her undress and showered her myself. The whole time she was crying from shame. I felt SO bad for her...It would so hard for any of us to go through!

T.
_______________________

Betty and Trish:

Mom had an accident on the way to the bathroom just before I got home last night. She left some of her bowel movement on her bedsheets, hallway carpet and some on bathroom floor before she made it to toilet. Bill cleaned up some of it and I did the rest when I got home. She did not have any underpants and pads on. She had been wearing them but when she got in her rampage mode, she was determined not to wear them. I have now convinced her she must wear her underpants with a heavy Assurance pad to bed so she has some protection when she gets a belly ache. I also have bought her Assurance panties that look like a grown up version of diaper panties with elasticized leg holes and waist that she can wear at home or when she is out in public. Has she had accidents like this at the manor? I don't know for sure if she is loosing control or if the accident was because of diarrhea. Needless to say, if she is loosing bladder and rectal control, she may not be able to travel in the future and her future at Moorhead Manor will be shortened.

Sharon

Mom is visiting Sharon right now in Chicago...In the past few days, some exchanges via email from Sharon, to Betty and I...

---

Sharon:

...Yes indeed, Mom misses the little things SO much,...I think we all would, wouldn't we? She LOVES having her hair brushed, and have her back scratched, as well as gently rubbing in body lotion onto her dry skin. I suggested to her that she take her lotion with on bath days and apply in the bath room right after dabbing dry, to keep in moisture as much as possible. Due a lot to her not drinking enough water more than anything else, (along with inactivity), she's drying up literally and it's most uncomfortable for her. She just doesn't have the spirit or motivation to always think ahead on those things herself anymore...

---

Trish and Betty:

Mom surprised me yesterday by getting up for breakfast and staying up for the day until she had her podiatrist's visit at 2:55. Bill ran some errands for her and she wanted to stop at Starbucks so he treated her to a vanilla latte. She was so stuffed that she hardly had room for broiled salmon and a baked potato. The podiatrist cut her toenails. He also cut back the toenail that has the fungus. This will ease the pain and allow the skin to grow back. He noted that she has circulation problems in her feet. They are white just like her hands. Otherwise, her feet were in ok condition from his examination. Barb Chang noted mom's white hands and circulation problem. Barb has a similar problem. She gave us an interesting therapy for that. She takes fine sand and bakes it in the oven for 15 to 20 minutes at 200 degrees. You take the sand out and play with it with your fingers. It warms the hands and fingers and helps with the circulation. Bill bought some sand and mom tried it out last night after supper. It really works...

She seems to enjoy having me brush her hair andd scratch her back. She really misses dad's loving touches and scratching.

Sharon

---

Sharon:

I had the strangest dreams last night (driving in LA, being harrassed by thugs at a convenience store, etc.)...but in the end, I was woken up by someone calling my name, "Trish"...as I responded, I knew it was Mom...it scared me a little. I assumed if anything was wrong, you'd call, but I had to ask...everything OK?

Then, just now as I returned from the restroom, a voice mail from Mom, asking what the company's name was that handled her house in New Mexico...I'm not going to call her back, but you can mention to her if you want to that I got the message and you can discuss it with her, up to you...

Very strange and unsettling, being called awake like that...never had that happen before...

T.

I know what you mean Aunt Betty.

To be honest, I was not prepared for how Grandma was when she came. I didn't expect her to be joyful all the time, but at the same time I thought that a year after Grandpa's death that she would have been doing a little better. But the way she is, how she will keep repeating herself saying "My dear Gordon, How I loved you so..." breaks your heart. And you're right, what can a person say when you see someone crying and wishing for death because they lost someone that they were with for over 50 years? I tried my best to comfort her, and many times I too steered the conversation somewhere else. Thank God for Mu'min! Many times I would hand her him and for a brief moment you might think Grandma was back to her old self. She would sing songs for him and whistle. She called him her little dumpling...I have been married for only 6 years, but the thought of losing Meran almost makes me go crazy. I wonder sometimes how I would handle it, and in the end I don't think I could do any better than how Grandma is. Grandpa was the "love of her life" as she puts it, and life just ain't the same without him...