Our Mothers

Reminders

2011-11-06T14:15:00.002-06:00

Once in awhile, purely by chance, I will see an older man or woman who remind me of my father or mother.

This past week, it happened again. Bill and I stopped at our local for drinks after work. We were chatting and I looked up to see a woman about my Mom's age eating at a booth across the room. It wasn't that she looked closely like my Mom (although she did, somewhat); it was more about her demeanor, how she glanced, and her eyes. I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion I didn't realize was so close to the surface. I looked away immediately so as not to make eye contact, not to mention it was uncomfortable. At this point it still hadn't dawned on me why it had hit me so hard.

My Mom (2001)

As Bill and I continued to talk about our day, I would every-so-often look up towards the woman. It eventually dawned on me where the emotion was coming from and why. Another wave of emotion flooded my body and this time my eyes fought back tears. My internal dialogue went something like, "Mom, I wish so much you were here. I miss you far more than I ever realized I would. I remember you talking to me many times over the years about how you missed Grandpa, then later your own Mom, Grandma. I thought I understood then. I had no clue. But I do now..."

I don't think missing my parents will ever go away. But then, I don't want it to.

Gone one year

2009-08-26T12:20:00.002-05:00

Mom has been gone one year Aug. 13th. In May we took her Cremains back to Bemidji, Minn. to bury them with my father. Been a long haul watching her mind deteriorate with dementia but have now come to the end of the road. Goodybye Mom, I love you. Delphine

Family Secrets

2009-05-08T20:27:00.005-05:00

The story of three sisters paralyzed by family secrets. In the midst of struggling to overcome her self-destructive behaviour, the youngest sister, Agnes, returns home determined to confront the past in a community built on avoiding it. Her quest sets in motion a chain of events that allows the sisters each in their own way to re-connect with the world and one another. Set in post-industrial Cape Breton, Marion Bridge is a story of poignant humor and drama.

The trailer above doesn't come close to doing justice to this quiet but powerful story. I really identified on so many levels to all of the characters in one way or another...

Legacy

2009-03-04T12:17:00.003-06:00

I realized long ago that my mother, like it or not, has been the greatest influence on my life. My very first memories are of waking to her voice, of hearing her whistling in the early morning air. I struggled to climb to the edge of my bedroom window to see who made this wonderful sound; as my eyes peeked over the windowsill, I searched down the roofline and saw my mother moving along the clothesline, bright in the morning sun, the underwear and sheets blowing in the breeze. Her tunes - sometimes (what would come to be) a familiar hymn, sometimes an "Irish scat" - faded and resounded on the wind. I called out to her, and she would look up and say, “Well, good morning, Patricia Kaye!” I think back to those moments, and now they seem almost surreal, even though I know they happened.

I grew up in a village tucked away in northwestern Minnesota called St. Vincent. My house was the house my grandparents built, the same house my mother grew up in. At one time, my grandmother ran a maternity home in it; she, a strong-willed Irish woman, along with a Scot - a real-life Dr. Quinn named Dr. Ada Wallace - provided healthcare for women in the early part of this century. Out of this, my mother was given a strong sense of self and the value of hard work. The shelves of books in our home and my mother’s love of imagination and story instilled in me a lifelong love of
the same.

Yet, there’s always been a melancholy side to it all - call it the ‘other’ Curse of the Irish - but there’s always been a spirit of tension, of frustration, of anger. It’s as if we’ve all felt there’s more, or at least that there should be more, but we’re not quite able to get it, or do it, or get there...And because we’re not, we sometimes lash out at the very people we love the most. That very thing - that anger - that my mother and her mother before her, have passed down to me as a sort of legacy, I have in turn passed to my own daughter. The love between women in my family are simultaneously filled with affection and warmth, as well as an underlying
anger.

My mother, daughter of a woman on her own since age 13, gave me a strong sense of who I am, of who I can be - and part of that is the mystery of our anger, something none of us has quite figured out, but each has come to make her peace with in her own way. It has been the great motivator in my life, this imperfection we share, this humanity...

Hospice

2009-01-10T13:31:00.002-06:00

Mom was in hospice the last months of her life. It made a great deal of difference to her quality of life, and it was such a blessing to see her more calm and out of pain. After she passed away, I told people who asked to please give to the hospice...

Passing of an Era

2008-08-14T20:42:00.004-05:00

My dear aunt, Aunt Pat, has died.

I deeply loved Aunt Pat and Uncle John, having spent many a weekend with them either in St. Vincent or Bemidji, and later on a bit in New Mexico. My memories will always be of a smart, capable, FUN lady who was warm and loving in her own unique way. She was an inspiration to me of living life to the fullest - friends and good times - what else is there?

Sex and the Older Adult

2008-06-19T21:19:00.003-05:00

Why are nursing-home administrators so queasy about sexual expression? They're afraid of getting sued. An estimated 50 percent of elderly residents suffer from some degree of Alzheimer's disease or dementia, which, depending on its severity, can make them confused, forgetful, or unaware of their own behavior. Even in the best cases, many of these patients may not be able to provide clear consent to a sexual advance.

So what happens when one of these patients with dementia starts sleeping around? According to federal law, nursing-home residents are guaranteed some small degree of privacy, as well as the right to "psychosocial well-being"—which can be taken to include free sexual expression. The administrator must balance these rights with the possibility that the patient isn't able to consent to sex at all, and that his every encounter amounts to an elder version of gray rape.

How can doctors make it easier for their patients to have safe, fulfilling sex in their twilight years? To begin with, they might allow sex between two seemingly willing residents with dementia, in the same way that "age gap" laws allow for consensual sex between age-matched teenagers. Nursing homes might also consider formal exceptions to the consent rules for spouses or long-term partners. Perhaps the safest solution would be to encourage residents to designate a "sexual guardian" in advance of their cognitive decline. That person—whether a spouse, a friend, or a close relative—could serve as the elder-sex cop, or elder-sex partner, for their loved one.

- From Naughty Nursing Homes: Is it time to let the elderly have more sex? by By Daniel Engber

Harriet, Second from the Right

2008-06-18T22:42:00.001-05:00

Serving at a friend's wedding reception; her sister Clara is on the left...

Fuzzy Wuzzy

2008-05-23T10:57:00.006-05:00

My Mom taught me what I thought was a tongue twister, but now I learn is not...well, it IS tough to say fast, but there's more to it than that!
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair
Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very
Fuzzy, was he?

Memorial in Fabric

2008-05-20T08:11:00.003-05:00

Each morning, gran would bring out the over-size sketchbooks and we would sit in the garden perfecting our drawings for the end-of-summer show, which was expertly modeled by a melange of trendy dolls. Once our designs were ready for production, we would spread newsprint on the cutting tables and gran would instruct me on garment construction. When we eventually stitched the outfits together, the quest for the perfect trims and buttons would ensue. This was my favorite part of the process, as Gran would permit me to search endlessly through the drawers and drawers of beads, trims, sequins, pearls, ribbons, feathers and buttons...

Read Catherine's entire remembrance of her summers spent with her great grandmother, immersed in the world of fashion.

Invisible

2008-05-17T10:28:00.001-05:00

"You get a hell of a perspective on life when you get old. I found that when I was in my twenties, thirties and forties, being a female by myself on the streets, I always found myself being looked at, whistles and all that.

"Now when I am by myself, in a restaurant or in other public places, I have the same invisibility that a child has so that I can really observe things much more openly. You’re freer. A target is gone. All it takes is white hair and wrinkles and to most people you are just invisible. And infinite wisdom, of course. Don’t forget that! I am much more aware of patterns in my own behavior, because I have been living with them for so long.”

From: Our Elders, Six Bay Area Life Stories, by Janet Clinger

Aunt Pat Update

2008-02-15T18:12:00.004-06:00

From Cousin Delphine...

My mom is still hanging on. I really do not know what keeps her alive. She is so thin and every time the phone rings I jump thinking this is it. Saw her the other day and she told me she hadn't heard from Harriet in a long time so she called her as she wanted to tell her that Del was real sick (my Aunty Del she was talking about...) Then she said Johnny must be mad at her again as she hadn't heard from him in a long time and she should call him but she was tired of always making the first move.

She fell out of bed and cut her forehead real bad again and she must get sort of a concussion every time she hits her head too as she is always way more spaced out than usual every time she bumps her head.

The week before she thought the dining room was a wedding chapel and everyone was there for her wedding. I didn't ask her who she was marrying. It has been a long haul as mom's mind has been going for over 10 years now as I had to take over her check book and pay all her bills before Bob died and he has been gone 9 years now. She had no idea she had bills to pay or that mail she was getting were her bills and I would have to look all over the house where she would lay the mail down to find the bills to pay. She has already been in the nursing home going on 5 years and been on Hospice for almost 1 1/2 years and hasn't had any of her medications, thyroid, blood pressure, plavix etc. for over a year as they don't force them to take meds when on hospice they just do comfort care. She has survived no meds all this time and I was told that is why people die sometimes is because Hopsice won't stress them by trying to get them to do things they refuse to do it is just a comfort care in their lasts days weeks or months.

A Granddaughter Goes Home

2007-12-17T19:17:00.000-06:00

My childhood is gone, and as a woman, it is important for to face the dark spots of life. My grandmother had always been there for me, from the happy times and even during the worst times. I needed to be there for her, and deep inside I realized that she needed me as well.

A friend of mine recently visited her elderly grandmother. It is a very touching recount...

The end may be near

2007-12-06T16:06:00.000-06:00

Saw my Mom earlier at the nursing home. She is getting weaker and weaker and isn't eating. She did drink a glass of cranberry juice but nothing else.

She told me she had tallked to Dad today. I said your dad or mine? she said my Dad. I said Oh what did you talk about? She said she couldn't remember but it was a good talk.

Then she asked me where her dad went. I just said he probably went back home. She said when did he come down here? I just told her I didn't remember when he came. Then she asked me if her mother came too and I said yes.

She asked me if her folks still fought like they use too and I told her I don't remember them fighting only Grandpa liking to tease Grandma a lot.

Then she told me her Dad looked so different. I said how did he look different and she said well he looked so happy. I never saw my dad look so happy.

So maybe her folks are calling her home. My Mother might soon join them.

Now this, is aging gracefully...

2007-11-04T11:17:00.000-06:00

Mom/experience

2007-10-03T08:52:00.000-05:00

Went and saw Mom Thurs. Sept. 27th. We use to go to the hairdresser every Thurs. then stop at the cafe and have sweet and sour chicken. Mom loved that meal. But now that I can no longer take her out she hasn't had it for a long time. So Thurs. I thought I would give her a treat so I stopped by the cafe and got a sweet and sour chicken to go and took it to the nursing home to eat. She and I always split this meal as neither can eat all of it.

So we were sitting at her table eating as they no longer have the seperate little family area they use to have so you could eat in private with family. The little demented lady sitting at moms table did not like me eating with Mom. She watched every bite I took and was calling me a pig a hog. Said I was swallowing everything whole and eating way too much etc. etc. She really ranted about me eating some of the food. Just as we finished the meal she said you make me sick eating that slop and she picked up her glass of water and threw it at me. Got mom all wet, got me all wet, got my purse all wet. All this time not one worker saw any of this and they were walking right by us off and on all the time. I kept hoping they would tell us we could have a table by ourself somewhere since this lady was harassing us but no. Didn't even see her throw the water at us. I told them what happened and only then did they offer us another table. I told them that I did not want Mom at her table anymore tho as they do serve hot coffee and hot chocolate to some of the people and what if she thre hot drink at Mom. Sure was a shock.

However even though Mom did enjoy the meal somewhat I don't think she really even knew what she was eating much less remember her and I having that before. So don't know that it was worth it to bring her something special as she seems to have very little concept of anything anymore.

Mom & I (2006)

2007-08-04T11:38:00.000-05:00

Harriet's Wake

2007-07-30T14:49:00.000-05:00

Going Along

2007-07-12T12:34:00.000-05:00

Mom can't see real well anymore so often brings an empty fork to her mouth so isn't getting any food. So the past 4 days I have been going to the nursing home to feed her at lunch time so she at least gets one good meal.

Every day is a new experience. Yesterday it was about people in the past. We talked of her husbands. She had no memory of being married and asked me how many times had she been married. I told her 3. My Dad (John Beaudette), Howard Krouth, and Norman Smith. She then asked me which one had she married first. I told her my Dad John. I asked her if she had any memory of John at all and she said no I don't remember any of them I just remember a tall, thin, frail man.

Today we were "at" J.C. Penney's the whole 1 1/2 hrs I was with her. She was office manager at Penney's for 20 yrs. She told me today that tomorrow she had some work to do. I said Oh what is that. She said she had to fire one gal because she didn't trust her and she was going to have to start cleaning house and getting rid of a few people and she hated that job. I just said yes it is hard to have to fire people. She said the gal she had to fire was destitute and had advertised in the paper that she was starving so she felt sorry for her and hired her but guessed she would have to go back on welfare as she just didn't trust her. I have finally learned to just go along with anything she says now instead of trying to bring her back to reality. Every day she asks me if her Mom is alive and I do tell her no she is dead or else Mom would wonder why she never comes to see her. The other day she asked me about Johnny and I told her he had died of cancer and she said then, well no wonder he never comes to see me. She has no idea she is in the nursing home nor how long she has been there she thinks she is in the hospital healing up from a fall she had. It is so hard seeing my Mom like this and I often don't go see her for a week or more but am trying to go more to at least see that she eats.

Bad Day

2007-07-07T08:28:00.000-05:00

Mom had a very bad day Thursday, July 5th. The nursing home called me as they couldn't calm her down. She insisted an operator had called her from Grand Forks and told her someone in the family was trying to get ahold of her as her brother had been in an accident and that she had been trying all day to call someone but they evidently had cut off her long distance service. I tried to tell her on the phone that her brother has been gone 53 years but she insisted he had been in an accident and she had to get ahold of someone to find out how bad it was. So I went to the nursing home and spent 3 hrs. with her trying to calm her and tell her there is no one left to call her as they have all passed away. But she insisted she had called her Mom several times that day.

When I convinced her, her brother John died 53 years ago of drowning her come back was "I wonder if Mom knows about it I better call her and tell her."

So had to tell her over and over that her Mom too was dead and she almost started to cry when I told her that. Then later in her room she saw her Mom laying beside her. It was a very rough day for her and for me.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

2007-07-05T17:22:00.000-05:00

As I promised Mom, I spread her ashes on Dad's grave (June 21, 2007); her footstone will be set by his, on her own lot - empty with no coffin, but then, neither of them are really there, are they? The stones and records are for us. They are free...

Soon it will be 6 years since Dad left us.

"If I could talk to Mom--A Wistful Conversation"

2007-07-05T16:50:00.000-05:00

Oh, Mom, I miss you so much. I wish you were still here. But you really began leaving us years ago when you saw Dad fading away before your eyes. I miss your engagement with life. I always looked forward to calling you on the phone every weekend - checking in to see how you and Dad were doing, to share how I was doing, and to seek your ideas and thoughts on life.

I am so thankful for those weeks and months that you came to visit me after Dad died. But even then, you were longing to join him in heaven and less interested in living here on earth. The following song/poem expresses my feelings and says it so well:

YEARNINGS
by Hava Alberstein

And on Saturday morning there's no one to call.
To tell how the performance went.
And Dad doesn't ask: "Was there a crowd?"
And Mom doesn't say: "You sound tired!"
But when anyone writes anything bad about me.
I still tremble.
That Dad shouldn't hear it.
That Mom shouldn't read it.
I want to be a good girl.

And I don't go home on my way to the north.
And I don't stop there when I return.
And the porch from which they waved goodbye to me.
Is suspended like an empty crib.
But when anyone writes anything good about me,
I still hope.
That Dad already heard.
That Mom's so very proud.
I want to be a good girl.

I don't cry - I only yearn.

So many faces - so many ears.
But when we sing - we're always only singing to two.
And when the two disappear - We sing to the heavens.

Mom, I know you're happy now. You are with the Lord and you are with Gordon, the love of your life.

Your "good girl,"

Sharon

Harriet: Ephemera from a Life

2007-07-01T12:50:00.000-05:00

Mom was an avid scribbler all her life. Notes, thoughts, lists, poems, doodles. She kept her hands busy whether it was work, playing solitaire, or gathering her busy mind down on paper.

The note here is one of many such notes she wrote in the last 6 years of her life after Dad died. It was her way of staying in touch with the love she had with him, the most important thing in her life. It was also a way of grieving, of coping with the loss. She wanted us to know, and that he would not be forgotten.

I put up a memory board with photos and cards, as well as ephemera she or Dad had written over the years, in her last living spaces. One of the items I discovered recently had faded so badly it couldn't be read. I took a black light to it, and was able to recover most of it, but some of the words are lost to time...

Gordon, I miss you so
You must know
Your loving hands
No more caress
No kiss thee dear (?)
...
Lord for the years, they
passed by so quickly
My love for you
Will never cease,
Your loving wife
Must find the peace
That passes all understanding...
Your Loving Wife, Harriet

A Walk in the Rain

2007-06-14T01:31:00.000-05:00

Arrangements were made for the cremation. This morning it took place. Christopher and I met Tom at Riverside's crematorium at 8:30am.

We met the two men who do the cremations. We watched as the box with Mom's remains was taken and placed in the furnace. I thanked the men, and Tom, and we walked away.

It was gently raining, and as we approached the car to leave, I asked Chris if he'd mind taking a walk through the cemetery. We got our umbrellas, and proceeded.

I don't often have a chance to walk through a cemetery when it's raining. No wind, so amazingly quiet, peaceful, and empty...except, of course, for the silent city around us.

The huge, old trees throughout the cemetery made me think of home, the home my mother lived in most of her life. It, too, had great old trees surrounding it. There's something amazing about trees, and seeing such trees gave me comfort as I glanced back at the crematorium and saw the waves of heat rising out of the chimney on top.

As we walked past the gravestones, we noticed white-tailed deer further on, one standing, and one beyond that was laying down under a tree. Chris took photos as I watched them watch us.

We turned a corner, then another, heading back to the car, when we noticed a small flock of birds in the distance coming out from behind the mausoleum. Wild turkeys, a small band of males. We headed up the small hill and around the building, and caught them as they disappeared behind, shaking their feathers, looking up, and stepping ahead under the falling rain.

It was a magical morning walk, a very special walk I will never forget...

Harriet's Obituary

2007-06-12T16:35:00.001-05:00

Harriet Ellen Fitzpatrick Short
March 30, 1922 - June 11, 2007
Harriet Short passed away on Monday, June 11, 2007 at Eventide Nursing Home, Moorhead, Minnesota. She was 85 years old.

Harriet Ellen Fitzpatrick Short was born on March 30, 1922 in St. Vincent, Minnesota. She graduated from Pembina High School in 1940, then worked for Bell Telephone in Bemidji, MN. She was at her switchboard on December 7, 1941 when it lit up with calls; she soon found out it was due to the news of the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor.

She married Gordon Short in February 1943 at the end of his basic training, and too soon said goodbye as he went overseas for two and a half years. After the war, they made a life in St. Vincent, raised three daughters, and retired to New Mexico in 1987, moving there permanently in 1998.

Although Harriet never had the chance at higher education, she was well-read all her life, and an inveterate letter writer to those she cared for. Throughout her life, her love of the written word and for writing itself was passed on to her children and grandchildren. She shared her passion for homemaking not only with her daughters through her amazing skills as a cook and seamstress, but also professionally as a Homemaker for Kittson County Social Services in the late 1970s and early 1980s. In that capacity, she traveled the county helping individuals learn personal finance, housekeeping, and other much-needed skills in many lower-income, rural areas.

Harriet learned from her parents that faith was important, but that asking questions was not wrong. Her intelligence, curiosity, and energy inspired her daughters to work towards their goals. Her pragmatism and Irish dark humor also tempered their own characters as they faced life's challenges. She always said, as her mother before her, that life could be hard; but on the other hand, there was much to be thankful for.

Harriet was preceded in death by her husband Gordon Short, her parents Albert and Elizabeth Fitzpatrick, and three siblings. She is survived by her three daughters, Sharon Hannaford (Darien, Illinois), Betty Thorsvig (Glyndon, Minnesota), and Trish Lewis (Fargo, North Dakota), seven grandchildren, and ten great grandchildren. There will be no public services; family have decided to hold a private Irish wake. Memories and condolences are warmly welcomed, and may be sent either via email or mailed to: Trish Lewis, 107 1/2 Roberts St N Apt 2, Fargo ND 58102.

A Grandson Reflects

2007-06-12T01:00:00.000-05:00

Randy is my sister Betty's boy. My first nephew. The first grandchild of my parents.

He has this to say about Mom's passing...

She loved playing cards, any card game you mentioned she played it but one game she could never beat grandpa at was [Liverpool] rummy, NEVER and that pissed her off so much it was knee slapping funny, she would accuse my grandpa of cheating all the time (which he never did except count cards…LOL he told me)...

Well blow me over with a feather, I never knew that! I must admit, that tickles me to read that. He never told her - I admire a man who can keep a secret! And for all those years...! *Laugh* Man, that sure sounds like my Dad...what a character.

I commented on Randy's reflections, saying, "You hit the nails on their heads with all your points, Randy. You WERE paying attention all those years...*laugh*...yep, Grandma could sure get on your nerves sometimes, but man, she was a great person. She loved deep and hard, and as we all do, had her faults. I see now her life in a much better context than when I was growing up, but even then, I knew for whatever reason, despite her ticking me off, I loved her fiercely. There was something amazing about her..."

We're cremating her. We're holding an old-fashioned Irish wake for her. And we're spreading her ashes on Dad's grave and the old homestead. It's the way it should be.

Mom is Gone...

2007-06-12T00:38:00.000-05:00

Mom passed away tonight at 7:00pm. Daniel was coming to visit her when it happened. He arrived just as the nursing staff had discovered she was gone, and were removing the butterfly from her chest. I'm glad someone from the family was there.

Such a long day, so many emotions.

Visiting Mom Today

2007-06-05T19:29:00.000-05:00

Mom in 2006 - Laughing at stories we are sharing...

Trishymouse says:
Are you there?
I visited Mom this afternoon.
Betty says:
yes i am
Trishymouse says:
She was awake when I got there.
Betty says:
ohhhh, go ahead
Trishymouse says:
She didn't say much at first, I think she was awake but not focused. I talked to her, then put my hand in hers and man did she take ahold of it.
Betty says:
really?
Trishymouse says:
I told her it was beautiful outside but the river was high, and it was June. June?, she said, amazed to hear the river was up that late, and I said yes, a lot of rain. She told me I looked tired, and I laughed, because she always used to tell me that.
Betty says:
still has a good mind lol
Trishymouse says:
I told her I love you, Mom, and she said I love you, too.
Betty says:
I am so glad you have a good talk with her
Trishymouse says:
Her mouth was very dry and I gave her water and she took a lot through the straw. I told her you wanted to come but your darn knees were killing you but you'd come when you could.
Trishymouse says:
It could tell it was hard for her to concentrate and talk...but she definitely was trying...maybe part of it was the pain meds.
Betty says:
write every word down, every word
Trishymouse says:
I will.
Betty says:
love you trish and I am glad you went
Trishymouse says:
Me, too...

Signs

2007-06-04T00:56:00.000-05:00

Scare

2007-06-04T00:14:00.000-05:00

Our family got a call last weekend (Memorial Day...) They said Mom had a very wet chest and periods of apnea lasting 15-20 seconds in length. We were told we should come.

We raced to get to Mom before it was too late. Once there, we were told she had been given meds to alleviate the fluid in her lungs, was in a semi-sitting position in bed, and was breathing more normally. Her eyes were rolling back in her head a lot. We were there three hours, waiting for the Hospice nurse on call. Once she arrived, she examined Mom and took her vitals. She said her lungs sounded good and so did her heart. I was only able to get one response from Mom when I talked loudly to her and said "Hi!" and she said "Hi" back. It was more of an automatic response, but I do think she was trying.

This past week, we've been in touch with her regular nurse, who had this to say:

I am your mom’s primary nurse and have just gotten back from vacation. I saw her today to assess her considering all the changes that have gone on while I was away. I was very pleasantly surprised to find her sitting up in her wheelchair waiting for supper. She answered all of my questions in full sentences and even tried to smile. Her lungs sounded clear but she would cough at times. She hasn’t eaten much today but took some small amounts of fluids. She denied pain. I ordered her pain meds orally again and I will call there in the am to see how she did. They have the injectable, too, to use if she doesn’t take the oral. We will see how she does and then look at her other meds. I will not restart the Flexeril as that may have contributed to the changes over the weekend.

I responded:

I really appreciate you communicating with us this way. All three of us daughters are busy working women but want to keep close in touch with what is happening to our mother and email is an amazing tool we all use a lot to keep in touch.

I'm thrilled to hear that Mom is doing better. What did you think Flexeril was doing exactly?

Our only frustration has been that we hear about these periods of wakefulness and communication, but since they are intermittent and erratic, we never seem to find her awake, and we'd dearly LOVE to talk with her again. It's definitely been weeks, but it feels (and may be) months since we had much conversation with her. If there is any way that staff at Eventide and/or Hospice could make a note of what they
observe and let us know your best guess as to when to visit and find her awake, we'd be eternally grateful.

Susan, the Hospice nurse, responded again:

We will restart the rest of your mom's oral meds today. She did well with the pain meds we restarted yesterday. I talked with Dr. Martindale's nurse and they agree with the plan to restart meds except for the Flexeril. It can cause sedation especially in combination with the pain meds and Seroquel that your mom is on. She might do ok with a lower dose, but for now, we'll not use it. As for when to visit her, I saw her about 5:00 pm just before her eve meal. That seems to be a good
time for her. I know it must be frustrating for you to not find her awake. Yesterday was by far the most talkative I've ever seen her. I have also contacted Dr. Xie, the psychiatrist to see if she wants to reduce/change any of her psych meds. The NH or I will let you know if there are any changes...I did contact Dr. Xie and she ordered a significant reduction in your mom's Seroquel and Effexor. Your mom may not need as many pscyh meds now that her pain is in better control since pain may have been contributing to her behaviors. We shall see how she does. We can always go back up on
her psych meds if needed. It's just so nice to see her so alert. Pam, another Hospice nurse, will be checking on your mom for me today. We'll update you with changes.

Good to know. I must get up there as soon as possible late in the afternoon and visit Mom! I pray she is awake...

"...a sort of spendid torch..."

2007-05-19T08:55:00.000-05:00

"This is the true joy of life, the being used for a purpose recognised by yourself as a mighty one, the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making me happy.

"I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and, as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live.

"I rejoice in life for it's own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I've got to holdup for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."

- George Bernard Shaw

Better Than Ever

2007-05-16T15:55:00.000-05:00

I want people to talk to one another no matter what their difference of opinion might be.

A hero of mine, Studs Terkel turns 95 today.

He's publishing his first memoir later this year - now THAT'S when you should publish a memior, after most of a life has been lived!

What My Kids Think of Me

2007-05-10T23:10:00.000-05:00

My Generation

2007-05-06T23:58:00.000-05:00

Some amazing photos of the Zimmer's first 'live' gig.

An article about the group.

Looking Back: 2002

2007-05-05T21:25:00.000-05:00

After I came home from visiting my daughter on May 19th, 2002, Mom was very glad to see me. She had missed me terribly. I don't know why I should think that strange, but I did. I was very touched at her expression of love, explaining to me that she had thought she had 'lost' me once, when I went to California. That time seems so long ago, like another person, not myself. I returned, and for a year and a half, Eva, Daniel, and I lived with Dad and Mom and began recreating a life.

I really have enjoyed tremendously the time I have been getting to spend with Mom this past year and a half. I always imagined what it would have been like living closer to her, and never had a chance to know until now. It's definitely a unique time in both our lives...

Mourning

2007-05-04T23:47:00.000-05:00

She is losing a lot of weight, refusing to eat, and is on strong pain meds due to pain from muscle rigidity/cramps, part of being bed-ridden, arthritis, etc. She sleeps a lot, but has moments of lucidity and has spoken a few words to us. My sister Betty has a hard time visiting her. I have to admit it's getting to me, too, but when I do visit her I just want to bury myself in her arms, but that's not possible because it hurts her to do that...I loved my Dad a lot and it hurt a lot when he died in 2001, but I know it'll be worse with my Mom.

I used to take comfort in what I was taught in my faith, but I have always had doubts and the one sure thing I know is that no one knows until they pass on. I will miss her. I already do so much. Even though she was a pain in the butt many times I loved her fiercely. Strange how that is, isn't it?

Cameo: Arthur Wallace

2007-04-23T13:42:00.000-05:00

By the time I met him, Arthur Wallace had no teeth, continually chewed on a cigar and kept his money in a velvet Crown Royal pouch. He was living at the Duplex Nursing Home in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts. Though neither of us knew it, he was in the last year of his life.

- David Greenberger, from I ain't Coe

Went to see Mom again

2007-04-12T13:20:00.000-05:00

Since she was seeing elephants Tues. I went to the house and brought up 2 stuffed elephants she had and layed them on her bed. Today she is In an "I am not getting up" mode. They couldn't get her up to go to breakfast I was going to go to lunch with her and help her eat again but she was still sound asleep at 11:30 when I was there so I left.

My Mom

2007-04-12T07:40:00.000-05:00

I went to see my mother Tues. She will be 95 July 13. She is in hospice care now in the nursing home. She has gotten into a hallucinatory state. Tues I took her outside to sit in the warm sun and she kept seeing cockroaches all over. Told me they keep falling all apart and that they can do it to themself noone does it to them and when they make themself fall apart like that it makes that animal mad so he eats them all. Then she kept reaching in the air and grabbing things. Finally told me Oh look a little elephant I love my little elephant. (she does love elephants and has a large collection of ceramic and marble carved elephants at home)

Wed. the nursing home called and told me they were going to give Mom an adovan (anti-psychotic) as she was really delirious and very agitated and was in my daughter-in-laws office. (Both my son and his wife work in the home) So I went up to see what was going on. Mom said she was mad at me vecause I had been writing bad checks all over town. (she now has an obsession with her check book) I assured her that I had not written any bad checks, then she kind of giggled and said Oh I know you haven't.

It was lunch time so I decided to take her to the dining room and help her eat. I took her in at 11:30 and she didn't get any food til 12:15. But it was unreal as that whole 45 min. we waited she ate imaginary food. The pantomime was so good you would swear she was really eating. At first she picked something up in her hand and actually "bit" it off and chewed and chewed then kept licking whatever she thought she was eating off her fingers. Then she picked up a fork and she ate and ate and ate. Chewed like she really had something in her mouth swallowed it and even picked some food out of her teeth. It was so bizarre and so heartbreaking to see my mother behaving like this. Finally her food came and a CNA came over to help me and Mom was still "feeding" herself so every time she would open her mouth to eat her imaginary food as she was bringing her hand to her mouth the CNA would hurry up and put a spoonful of soup in Moms mouth. In doing so she managed to get a half bowl of chicken noodle soup into mom then they brought her some pureed peaches and she got that all down mom. By this time the adovan was kicking in and mom was falling alseep so the CNA took her back to her room and put her to bed.
It was a horrible thing to see my Mom like this and I don't think I will ever eat another meal that I don't see my mom eating like that when there was nothing there.

Friends to the End

2007-04-11T18:17:00.000-05:00

Date unknown, this old photo-booth shot is of Betty Clinton and Harriet Fitzpatrick, best friends. Betty was a close neighbor, just north of Harriet's parents' home. They went to school together, and also flirted with Gordon Short together. But when Gordon asked Betty out first, she declined, because she knew how Harriet felt about Gordon. Now THAT'S a real friend...

Ironically, even to this day, Betty and Harriet are neighbors. Harriet lives at Eventide in Moorhead, and Betty still lives in her home, only a few blocks away...

Elderly Women...

2007-02-19T12:08:00.000-06:00

...Behind The Counter In A Small Town
By Pearl Jam

I seem to recognize your face
Haunting, familiar, yet I can't seem to place it
Cannot find the candle of thought to light your name
Lifetimes are catching up with me

All these changes taking place, I wish I'd seen the place
But no one's ever taken me
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...

I swear I recognize your breath
Memories like fingerprints are slowly raising
Me, you wouldn't recall, for I'm not my former
It's hard when, you're stuck upon the shelf

I changed by not changing at all, small town predicts my fate
Perhaps that's what no one wants to see
I just want to scream...hello...

My god its been so long, never dreamed you'd return
But now here you are, and here I am
Hearts and thoughts they fade...away...
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away...

Hearts and thoughts they fade...away
Hearts and thoughts they fade...away

Winding down...Together

2007-01-26T18:07:00.000-06:00

Today

Delphine: Here is a picture of my Mom taken today. I brought her some dinner as something different than nursing home food but she was real tired and wouldn't get up and kept dozing off so ate very little. She is down to 107 lbs.

Trish: Amazing. They are both losing weight and changing so much. Give your Mom a loving hug and kiss for me and tell her that her niece Trish is thinking of her. Wish I could see your Mom again. I'm sure you feel the same way. We take those we love so much for granted.

Delphine: I am so glad I had so many happy years being here at the same time your Mom was. Lee and I had your Mom and Dad and My Mom and my kids here for a couple Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. And enjoyed it so much. Also Bob and I used to go to your folks and play cards now and then. Was such a good time.

They knew so many people here and I have people asking all the time how your Mom is doing and remembering their bridge parties together with your folks and how every one got such a kick out of your dad. Where did all those years go to bring us to our Moms now looking like this. It is sad. Love, Del

Contact

2007-01-23T23:29:00.000-06:00

Betty and I visited Mom tonight. Betty brought her camera and had me shoot some photos. Later tonight she sent me copies and said...

She knew us, we could tell. At the end of our visit when we each said "I love you Mom," she replied softly "I love you, Betty" and " I love you, Trish"...t'was all she said...

Mom's Care Plan Review

2007-01-18T12:28:00.000-06:00

Today was Mom's first Care Plan Review under hospice care. I participated from my office via conference call. To sum up what was covered:

Mom’s current weight is 147 pounds, down 9 pounds in the last quarter. She has trouble chewing, so they are changing to all ground/pureed meats. They are using liquid supplements between meals which Mom takes readily, but sometimes has trouble swallowing. Her leg muscles are contracting so are curling up, in turn causing heel pressure sores. They are not erupted, and she wears pressure boots in bed to minimize the problem. Pain is better, but still significant. Therefore, they are stopping the patches and changing to liquid Methadone, as well as twice daily Morphine. Within two weeks they anticipate her pain level to drop significantly. Behavior has already modified somewhat with pain control, i.e., less hollering. Volunteer companions and staff observe that Mom’s eyes convey recognition and cognizance, and she will attempt verbal communication with groans/moans, but no talking. They agree with me that talking with her is a definite comfort, and she likely hears everything and understands a lot. I asked for email addresses for Hospice team members and team leader took mine and will get them to me later today.

The last time I visited Mom (last week with Daniel) Daniel and I both got responses from Mom with her eyes and verbally, but only when I leaned over her, talked loud, and asked direct questions – mostly moaning a positive or negative but no words. The time before that with Betty, Betty and I heard her talk a little. No one at Eventide or Hospice has heard her talk in a month, they said.

While Daniel stepped out of the room for a moment last week, I leaned over Mom and told her how much I loved her, admired her, etc. She looked deep into my eyes, and I looked back, and it was such an intense, incredible moment. I leaned over and kissed her, and held her hand…then Daniel came in and I acted like nothing happened – it was something I wished to keep for myself and not share, at least not then.

While this article refers to President Reagan, it’s actually a general guide to anyone with advanced dementiaMom’s condition, and offers some of the most specific information on what to expect, including life expectancy.

The information below is an extract of an article documenting a recent study of patients with advanced dementia...

BACKGROUND: Nursing homes are important providers of end-of-life care to persons with advanced dementia.

METHODS: We used data from the Minimum Data Set (June 1, 1994, to December 31, 1997) to identify persons 65 years and older who died with advanced dementia (n = 1609) and terminal cancer (n = 883) within 1 year of admission to any New York State nursing home. Variables from the Minimum Data Set assessment completed within 120 days of death were used to describe and compare the end-of-life experiences of these 2 groups.

RESULTS: At nursing home admission, only 1.1% of residents with advanced dementia were perceived to have a life expectancy of less than 6 months; however, 71.0% died within that period. Before death, 55.1% of demented residents had a do-not-resuscitate order, and 1.4% had a do-not-hospitalize order. Nonpalliative interventions were common among residents dying with advanced dementia: tube feeding, 25.0%; laboratory tests, 49.2%; restraints, 11.2%; and intravenous therapy, 10.1%. Residents with dementia were less likely than those with cancer to have directives limiting care but were more likely to experience burdensome interventions: do-not-resuscitate order (adjusted odds ratio [OR], 0.12; 95% confidence interval [CI], 0.09-0.16), do-not-hospitalize order (adjusted OR, 0.33; 95% CI, 0.16-0.66), tube feeding (adjusted OR, 2.21; 95% CI, 1.51-3.23), laboratory tests (adjusted OR, 2.53; 95% CI, 2.01-3.18), and restraints (adjusted OR, 1.79; 95% CI, 1.23-2.61). Distressing conditions common in advanced dementia included pressure ulcers (14.7%), constipation (13.7%), pain (11.5%), and shortness of breath (8.2%).

CONCLUSIONS: Nursing home residents dying with advanced dementia are not perceived as having a terminal condition, and most do not receive optimal palliative care. Management and educational strategies are needed to improve end-of-life care in advanced dementia.

Mom is receiving wonderful care considering what many people receive. It is a blessing to have a well-established and well-respected hospice near Mom that can offer such compassionate care at this difficult time in her life.

Harriet's Memories

2007-01-14T19:31:00.000-06:00

My Mom shared this with me in 2003...

When I was 8 or 9 years old, my sister Alberta left home to go to nurses training, I was so lonely without her. When Christmas time came she wrote home that she would come home on the train and had one big wish. The wish was that Dad would come meet the train with the sleigh and horses. So Dad put the big grain box on the four-runner sleigh and put harness on the horses. The harness had all kinds of silver bells on it. Mom heated up bricks to keep our feet warm and we got in the sleigh and had the fur robe with us to cover our feet and legs. The horses trotted over the snow and the rhythm of their trot made the bells ring out a beautiful melody that only you can remember if once heard! Just writing about it I can still hear those bells jingling in my memory. It makes tears come to my eyes thinking of what we are missing today!

My Dad loved to play pranks. Alberta and I had been uptown one evening and came home. There was no one home and we came in and lit the kerosene lamp and sat at the kitchen table by the window. She was reading stories to me. I was listening really good but also had my eye on a coat that was on the door knob of the door going into the dining room. I saw the coat move and told Alberta and she said it didn't and to be quiet and listen to the story. Previous to this something kept hitting the window and I was scared and Alberta said it's just acorns as it was the fall of the year. She went on reading and I listened and all of a sudden I looked and the coat was gone. I said how come the coat is gone now. Alberta picked up the lamp and held the bottom of the globe with me behind her, and bravely walked toward the dining room door. Just as she entered out popped our Dad with a big BOO!

"...the grace of one hour"

2007-01-07T20:55:00.000-06:00

Impenitentia Ultima

Before my light goes out for ever
if God should give me a choice of graces,
I would not reck of length of days,
nor crave for things to be;
But cry: "One day of the great lost days,
one face of all the faces,
Grant me to see and touch once more
and nothing more to see.
"For, Lord, I was free of all Thy flowers,
but I chose the world’s sad roses,
And that is why my feet are torn
and mine eyes are blind with sweat,
But at Thy terrible judgment-seat,
when this my tired life closes,
I am ready to reap where of I sowed,
and pay my righteous debt.
"But once before the sand is run
and the silver thread is broken,
Give me a grace and cast aside
the veil of dolorous years,
Grant me one hour of all mine hours,
and let me see for a token
Her pure and pitiful eyes shine out,
and bathe her feet with tears."
Her pitiful hands should calm,
and her hair stream down and blind me,
Out of the sight of night,
and out of the reach of fear,
And her eyes should be my light
whilst the sun went out behind me,
And the viols in her voice
be the last sound in mine ear.
Before the ruining waters fall
and my life be carried under,
And Thine anger cleave me through
as a childcuts down a flower,
I will praise Thee, Lord, in Hell,
while my limbs are racked asunder,
For the last sad sight of her face
and the little grace of an hour.

By Ernest Dowson

House to Yourself

2007-01-07T19:24:00.000-06:00

"...time apparently did nothing but blunt grief's sharpest edge so that it hacked rather than sliced. Because everything was not the same. Not outside, not inside, not for her. Lying in the bed that had once held two, [she] thought alone never felt more lonely than when you woke up and discovered you still had the house to yourself. That you and the mice in the walls were the only ones still breathing." - Lisey's Story Stephen King

Hospice Starts...

2006-12-28T20:21:00.000-06:00

Hospice has been amazing. They've already lined up a volunteer companion for Mom that will start this Sunday. We asked that they read to her (letters, books, etc.), visit with her, and when possible, do things like comb hair, do hand massages, and apply lotion (related to dry skin and circulation issues...) - she really loves that.

Betty was contacted today by Hospice to let us know that they have ordered Morphine for Mom twice a day for pain...

Sisters in End-of-Life

2006-12-21T13:14:00.000-06:00

I continue to be mystified by the parallels between my Mom and my Aunt Pat regarding the progression of their dementia and decrease in quality of life.

Today, I met with an RN from Hospice of the Red River Valley at Mom's skilled care facility, Eventide. To make a long story short, she was accepted into the program. My sisters and I are grateful for that, since from now on, Mom's comfort and peace of mind are of utmost concern to us, rather than disease treatment. It's the least we can do.

I'll be talking to their Volunteer coordinator about how we see their services best fitting Mom's needs, then trying to schedule volunteers that can come and spend time with Mom as a companion, as well as (I hope) do simple acts of kindness like brushing her hair to alleviate her itchy scalp, applying body cream to her dry skin, and maybe if we're lucky, some massage to hands, shoulders and lower legs to help with pain.

More about my mother

2006-11-03T16:12:00.000-06:00

Saw her yesterday. I had a care plan meeting at the nursing home. Went to that. Mom has gained about 2 lbs. back. However she has not taken any of her meds for almost 2 months. They showed me her chart and she took her pills maybe 5 or 6 times in the last 2 months. So Hospice had a call in to the dr. to get permission to stop all meds except comfort things like an aspirin if she needs one and her antidepressant pill. She won't take part in any activities. My son and his wife both work at the home and my Daughter-in-law told me Mom is coming to their resptective offices more and more all the time. She just comes there and sits near them but doesn't bother them. They are like a comfort zone for her. Just needs to be near them.

When Mom went on assitance she had 2 supplement insurances along with medicare. I had to keep one of them so I kept her AARP ins. Hospice told me yesterday that as long as she is in Hospice care now she didn't think I needed to keep paying the AARP ins. and to contact human services about it. I faxed the agent I deal with and she said no I didn't need to continue the supplement so I have called and cancelled AARP.

Mom was sitting in front staring out the door of the nursing home when I found her. So I took her outside in the nice warm sun for a while. She said she was hungry as she hadn't had much for dinner so I went to the kitchen and got her a ham a cheese sandwich and a cup of coffee. She ate almost all of it. The nursing home kitchen is open all day now so residents can go and get something to eat any time they want to. She goes to Daryls office most every day and sits and watches him work for a couple hours yet the first thing she asked me was if I had seen Daryl lately and how was he and where did he work.

Asks me every time I see her and several times each visit how long she has been there and how old is she. And when can she go home again.

About Hospice

2006-10-22T09:52:00.000-05:00

HMMMM!!!! I don't know if it will work or not. One of the policies is to not try to force the person to take pills when they don't want to. From what I can find out all they are giving her is the supplement "comfort" type pills. I would rather they eliminate those so she will take the Pres. pills. They keep telling me her Thyroid etc. pills don't make a difference anymore. She has been under a depression ever since Johnny (my brother died) so they are mostly trying to get her to take an antidepressant pill. They show her all the supplements and when she says she refuses to take them they then sort out the antidepressant and say well then will you take just this one. They say it is painful to be depressed so that that is the only pill they are pushing.

However now that she isn't getting the thyroid etc. she is becoming more and more confused as thyroid produces the hormones that affect the mind. So it looks like we might be regressing back to the time when she was first put in the nursing home. Back to fighting to get out of there and why the "HELL" is she there in the first place and when is she going to get to go home. My son Daryl works in the office at the nursing home and he told me last night that Fri. Mom was in his office 5 times asking him when she was going to get out of there and be able to go home again and she is becoming once again very angry and aggressive. I really don't think I want to go through all this again as that first year she was in the home was an absolute nightmare.

Hospice Social Worker...

2006-10-13T17:04:00.000-05:00

...came to our house yesterday morning to meet me and talk. Nothing much more said, she just wanted to get aquainted with me. Mom did get moved into a different room though. They had her in a room with a lady that had an oxygen machine and the constant hum of the machine was driving Mom nuts. So they moved her to a room by herself. At least she is alone in it so far until they need to put someone else in there. Hopefully no one on oxygen again.

Mom sleeps most of the time. I have decided I am not going to take her out anymore. Just visit her in the nursing home.

Checking Out

2006-10-13T09:13:00.000-05:00

Manifesto

The World Federation of Right to Die Societies (an international nongovernmental organization) is aware of the increasing concern to many individuals over their right to die with dignity. Believing in the rights and freedom of all persons, we affirm this right to die with dignity, meaning in peace and without suffering.

All competent adults - regardless of their nationalities, professions, religious beliefs, and ethical and political views - who are suffering unbearably from incurable illnesses should have the possibility of various choices at the end of their life. Death is unavoidable. We strongly believe that the manner and time of dying should be left to the decision of the individual, assuming such demands do not result in harm to society other than the sadness associated with death.

The voluntarily expressed will of individuals, once they are fully informed of their diagnosis, prognosis and available means of relief, should be respected by all concerned as an expression of intrinsic human rights.

Speaking for myself, I am very pro-choice regarding dieing with dignity. Life doesn't alway allow us to make that choice, however. But if I can, I will...

Updating Things as They Go Along...

2006-10-11T13:17:00.000-05:00

A social worker called me today. We are meeting in our home here at 10 in the morning to further discuss my mother's hospice care. My stomach has been all in a turmoil since this started. If Mom is as close to death as they suspect I don't know if I should still keep taking her out or not. It would be terrible if I had her at the beauty shop or the restaurant or even in my car and she would collapse. Will post more after I see the Soc. Worker tomorrow if I have any further information.

Choosing Your Own Exit

2006-10-10T17:27:00.000-05:00

My mother would have chosen this path, I think, if she hadn’t been so deep in grief. She often felt many of the same things, albeit orignating out of grief, but I don't think that is any less valid, especially in the context of her age, health, and sense of deep loss.

Fall Days

2006-10-08T22:53:00.000-05:00

It is fall. The season, my mother dreaded the most. As I grew up, she always hated fall. She said that was when everything bad in her life happened. The deaths of her loved ones. She would always feel the most depressed in the fall. I can now relate. I do not like fall.

Eventide (her nursing home) called last week to say Mom had fallen out of her wheelchair. She had fallen asleep and just leaned too forward.

I still ask myself - why? Why does she linger? If it is for our sakes - why? It hurts my heart as for it to bleed when I see her. She knows us but that is the extent.

Emotions: Strong guilt - in not knowing what to do and not going every day. Sadness - in seeing her body slip away. Fear - in what is to come. It is fall.

Aunt Pat

2006-10-08T14:57:00.000-05:00

From Delphine come these updates on her mother (and our mother's sister), Aunt Pat...

October 5:

Went to the nursing home today to take her to the beauty shop. Got our hair done and went to eat and she ate quite well. Got back to the health care center. And I went to talk to my daughter-in-law who is a registered. Nurse there and in charge of Medical records. Got some bad news. They want to put Mom on "end of life" care. Hospice. I had my choice of using the in-home care at the health care center. Or having outside hospice come to the nursing home. I told her in nursing home care was fine. She said Mom has really been going down hill. They have her in ambulatory care to try keep her active and up but she is refusing to do anything or cooperate when they try to work with her. She is refusing to eat and is rapidly losing weight. Down to 109 lbs. So in hospice she will have a CNA and a nurse assigned to her to check on her more often. Hospice care means that she can refuse anything and does not have to do anything she doesn't want to. Which means she will not have to take her meds if she no longer wants to. If she refuses them several times then they discontinue meds all together which of course Means Mom can have a stroke or a heart attack or whatever. Also means that they do not have to try to get her to eat. If she doesn't want to eat she won't have to. She will no longer be talked into doing anything she does not want to do.

I am waiting for a call from the gal in charge of setting this up. Audrey just told me about it but another gal is in charge of explaining everything to me in full and I imagine will have the paperwork that I will have to sign. Knew this day had to be coming but still hit me in the stomach like someone had whacked me a good one.

October 7:

UPDATE: Saw the lady in charge of Hospice. Was very encouraging. I was very impressed with what Hospice does. Mom will still get full care from nursing home staff but will now have a full team of extra people there just for her. 2 nurses a CNA and 2 other specialists. They not only take care of Mom but support family as well if you need any counseling or whatever.

They are giving Mom so many pills, her 4 or 5 prescription pills, but a handful of supplement vitamins etc. Well Mom often hides her pills because she all her life has had trouble swallowing pills and to see so many overwhelms her and she does know she never used to take that many pills. She lived to 91 without all these supplements and always had excellent health and excellent bones, etc. I tried to talk to the Dr. about cutting out the supplements so all Mom would get is the very necessary pills and with just a few she would take them, but not when they hand her so many, but I never could get the Dr. to answer my calls. I told Hospice this and they have the power to do just what I wanted. So they will get her pill intake reduced so hopefully she will be more willing to take them. Sounds like Mom will be getting much better and more personal care. I guess I never really knew what Hospice meant before but it is a "comfort", "Quality" end of life care. They just do whatever the person wants to make them as comfortable and stress free in their last months as possible. She will no longer have to go to the hospital, have anymore surgeries. Needles, whatever, if she doesn't want to. They have things to give her if any pain occurs just to make her comfortable but no more hospital procedure stress or traumas. She did tell me that by the time a person has declined to the point that they are eligible to go on Hospice that 90% die within 45 days to 3 months. The Hospice is good for 6 months. I asked what happens if she lives beyond 6 months. She said she will be reevaluated and recertified if necessary. Said they did have one lady on Hospice for 2 yrs. But that is very rare.

Since she will be having "extra" people always checking on her I too wondered if I could still take her out so I did ask and she said absolutely we encourage people to take them places as we want them to have complete comfort and quality a life as they can in their last days. So I will still be taking her to the beauty shop for as long as she can still get around. We did go Thurs. And I was amazed as she was walking better than she had for several weeks so I thought she was improving with her ambulatory care but I guess this is all just part of the ending process. They are so good one day and way down the next. Next week she probably won't be able to walk at all.

October 8:

I can also cancel Hospice any time if I feel it isn't working or am unhappy about anything, whatever. But It sure sounded like the way to go for now as I have had so much trouble getting things done the way mom wanted it with just nursing home staff. Like keeping her window curtain open so she can see out as she hates being "closed" in. I have talked til I am blue in the face about that even wrote a note on cloth and pinned it to the curtain saying please leave these curtains open for my Mom and still they are always closed when I go there. Made her a nice little lap quilt with a hand muff on the front that would fit in her wheel chair as she is always so cold and hands freezing all the time and she uses it a lot when she lays down. Puts her little lap quilt on and tucks her hands in the muff and just loves it. Yet every time I go there the little quilt has been tossed aside when they made the bed and is laying on a chair under a bunch of stuff that doesn't even belong to her and she doesn't have her little Muff/quilt. So I am constantly digging that out for her. The biggest problem is they can't keep help there so every time I get someone to do the things that make Mom comfortable they quit and it starts all over again. Hospice sounds like she will have 2 nurses whose names were given to me and a CNA that will be just for Mom so should be the same people all the time. So let's hope.

Quality of Life

2006-09-24T20:45:00.000-05:00

My sister Betty took this photo of Mom on a recent visit to see her. She isn't as talkative as she used to be, but she definitely looks like she was enjoying the visit, and the staff had dressed her so nicely.

This past week (after I reminded staff that she was very late for both her opthamology and neurology checkups ... then appointments were made), we found out she not only needs a new eyeglass prescripton, but that she doesn't have her old pair anymore because they were broken recently. We learned this through a voicemail, but no reason was given. They also want to know if we want them to followup on the recommendation of getting a new pair; it was intimated that she doesn't use them so why bother. I definitely feel she should have them. To see much at all, she needs them, especially since her glacouma has obviously worsened. Even if she doesn't read as much as she once did, she often looks through her photo collection, and that is comforting to her. It's the least we can do...

"Growing Old" DVD

2006-09-10T22:17:00.000-05:00

How does someone define aging? Is your age in your body or in your mind?

A wonderful new documentary film explores this...

Dementia Diary

2006-09-04T00:32:00.000-05:00

"Her world was shrinking, and she was becoming more and more isolated. Those she offended saw only a difficult personality getting worse. No one suspected the demon growing inside of her, the illness that had begun to twist her memories, her judgment, and her emotions..."

Bob Tell writes about his mother as she slips into Dementia, a tale many of us know all too well.

Weary

2006-08-17T20:02:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, my sister Sharon from Chicago came to town for a short visit. On Saturday, all three of us daughters met at Eventide to visit Mom.

I arrived first, then Sharon, and finally Betty. While Sharon and I were awaiting Betty, Sharon left the family visiting room to check on something. While she was gone, I started talking with Mom, even though she was dozing and hadn't said anything despite our trying to engage her. I went around back of her wheelchair, and put my arms around her and bent down to talk softly near her ear. I told her how much I missed talking with her and Dad, and how much I loved her, and then just smelled her, and felt her skin next to mine, and was quiet with her. Before I knew it, Sharon was entering the room, and I realized my eyes were moist...I was very glad to have had those few moments alone with her.

Later during the visit, I got down in the front and said to Mom, since you are so tired, I'll get down here to take your picture, half-joking with her. She momentarily lifted her head and looked at me as I shot this photo of her...

Later, as I said goodbye, Mom spoke for the first time, asking did I have to leave, and I explained I would see her soon, and that I loved her, and she responded I love you, too, Trisha...That really made me smile! She did know me after all...

Lifelong Love

2006-08-16T19:40:00.000-05:00

It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch
[ Epithet on a New England tombstone ]

This weekend I was listening to this program. A segment featured the lifelong love of Page and Eloise Smith, a couple that died one day apart after spending a lifetime together. Of course, it immediately made me think of my own parents.

I wrote to their son Eliot, the man behind the memorial website, and he responded...

Good Morning Trish,

Thank you so much for reaching out. We are the lucky ones with family legends to live by and deep gifts that enrich us. It has been over 10 years now and I still think of them every day, see things I wish I could show them, learn things I wish I could share. Now in my 50's, there is nothing I would love more than to climb into bed next to them and watch TV while my mother dozes with her bifocals turned upside down, and my father reads a book.

A short while later, I heard from Anne, Page & Eliose's daughter...

Dear Trish,

My brother Eliot emailed me this morning to say that you had written to him after the "this American Life" segment on last words and the story of our parents deaths. The voice in the piece was mine (along with John Dizikes, a close friend of mom and dad).

I looked at the links you included with your email. I was struck by the similarities in my in-laws lives. My mother-in-law died 5 years before her husband did. My father-in-law lived a hard and lonely five years without her and died this last December after being bed-ridden in a nursing home for over eight months. It was a terrible decline and he was very confused, barely able to participate in a conversation the whole time. It was very hard for us watching Bob's decline and spending so much time in the nursing home for such an extended period. What a journey our parents (and we) all must travel. I feel deeply for you and your mother.

Anne

Young Love Remembered

2006-08-15T18:38:00.000-05:00

Herman and Nora were young and in love. They met as students, and had a passion for writing.

Herman's life was cut short. Nora's life has been long.

Listen to her remember...

Telling It All

2006-08-14T19:46:00.000-05:00

Geriatric1927 is not just using simple tools, he is re-engineering his social world with them.

His name is Peter. He's from England, he's 79, and he's found what for him is an exciting new way to meet new friends and be engaged with the world. Read more about Peter here.

You can see one of his videos here...

Twilight Descending

2006-08-06T15:29:00.000-05:00

At night, as they read and reminisce and sometimes just gaze at one another, the Grahams' conversation often turns to what they believe awaits them beyond the grave. "I think about heaven a great deal, I think about the failures in my life in the past, but know that they have been covered by the blood of Christ, and that gives me a great sense of confidence," says Graham. "I have a certainty about eternity that is a wonderful thing, and I thank God for giving me that certainty. I do not fear death. I may fear a little bit about the process, but not death itself, because I think the moment that my spirit leaves this body, I will be in the presence of the Lord."

In the twilight, Billy Graham shares what he's learned in reflecting on politics and Scripture, old age and death, mysteries and moderation.

Mother (Alberta, aka Pat)

2006-08-04T14:30:00.000-05:00

My Mother gets weaker and weaker ,week by week and dementia gets worse and worse. I had a care plan meeting for her yesterday. They said they have been having some problems with her again being belligerent and cussing at everyone. Also she keeps telling the nurses they don't need to baby sit her when she takes her pills she knows how to take them and as soon as they turn their back she shoves her pills in her bra. So she is missing several of her pills each day.

They told me too that I may not be able to take her out much longer to go to the hair dresser and all as she will soon be at a point where she will have to be lifted form wheel chair to car etc. They have her in a restorative program to try keep her walking but she refuses to let them do most of the exercises. She will walk now and then but refuses any upper and lower extremity strengthening exercises. Said I may have to start taking her just to the beauty shop there at the home and bring a meal if I want her to have something special.

Also I asked them about her fingernails as they are so ugly as so very long then when she wipes herself she gets "you know what" under her nails etc. They are horrible. They said they have tried and tried to get her to come to activity for a manicure but again she refuses saying she likes her fingernails long. So Monday I have to go in at the time they are doing nails and take her down there on the pretense that I have a manicure appt. for her and I will have to make her get them cut since they really can't force her to do anything where I being the Guardian and her daughter have the authority to insist.

She keeps asking me when I go see her if her Mom and Dad are still living. Then she even asked me if her sister Clara is alive. It is all so sad to see someone deteriorate so bad.

"..waiting for the inevitable..."

2006-08-02T14:15:00.000-05:00

Age is a terrible thief. Just when you're getting the hang of life, it knocks your legs out from under you and stoops your back. It makes you ache and muddies your head and silently spreads cancer throughout your spouse.

Metastatic, the doctor said. A matter of weeks or months. But my darling was as frail as a bird. She died nine days later. After sixty-one years together, she simply clutched my hand and exhaled.

Although there are times I'd give anything to have her back, I'm glad she went first. Losing her was like being cleft down the middle. It was the moment it all ended for me, and I wouldn't have wanted her to go through that. Being the survivor stinks.

I used to think I preferred getting old to the alternative, but now I'm not sure. Sometimes the monotony of bingo and sing-alongs and ancient dusty people parked in the hallway in wheelchairs makes me long for death. Particularly when I remember that I'm one of the ancient dusty people, filed away like some worthless tchotchke.

But there's nothing to be done about it. All I can do is put in time waiting for the inevitable, observing as the ghosts of my past rattle around my vacuous present. They crash and bang and make themselves at home, mostly because there's no competition. I've stopped fighting them.

They're crashing and banging around in there now.

Make yourselves at home, boys. Stay awhile. Oh, sorry — I see you already have.

Damn ghosts.

From Sara Gruen's Water for Elephants

Advocating for our Elderly Parents

2006-07-30T13:51:00.000-05:00

The Right Way to Complain

When your loved one is suffering, your first reaction is likely to be outrage. While you may want to scream at a careless aide, pause to consider what's ultimately best for your family member. Controlling your temper may be hard but keeping a civil demeanor will help get your complaints resolved more quickly. Here is the protocol to follow:

1. Talk to the staff responsible for your loved one's care. Don't accuse or attack them, but let them know what the problem is clearly, calmly and respectfully. Intemperate words not only will antagonize the staff but can also be used to "prove" you're a danger. If a worker cites reasons for the lapse, listen to her, make sure you understand and ask how you can work together to prevent the situation from recurring. At home, keep a log of such conversations. If the situation is resolved successfully, thank the staff members involved.

2. If the problem isn't corrected in a timely way, complain in writing to your nursing home administrator. Again, be civil. Describe the issue and your efforts to resolve it clearly, without berating or threatening the staff. Keep copies of your complaints, all responses and any evidence.

3. If you don't get a satisfactory response, request outside mediation from your state ombudsman's office. After an ombudsman is appointed, he or she will talk to you and nursing home personnel to try to resolve your differences amicably.

4. If the problem's still not settled, contact your state Department of Health. Provide a detailed, documented summary of your complaint. The state will then dispatch inspectors to investigate your claims. If you disagree with the findings, you may need to hire an outside attorney and file a lawsuit.

5. Establish an independent family council with other residents' relatives so that you can voice your concerns collectively. The National Citizens' Coalition for Nursing Home Reform (NCCNHR) offers advice on how to get started.

6. After you complain, be extra-vigilant and document reprisals. If you suspect retaliation, consult an independent advocate. NCCNHR's Web site offers a list.

From The Truth About Nursing Homes

Yesterday Touches Today...Again

2006-06-27T15:43:00.000-05:00

I was at work manning the front desk while the receptionist took a break. A call comes in from a Ken Peterson from Hallock.

He had been the principle of the Hallock Elementary School at one time, but now works as a social worker up in my home county. I told him I grew up in St. Vincent, he asked my family, I told him my name had been Short, mentioned my Mom who had worked for the Welfare and he said sure he knew her. He knew the family had 3 daughters. He himself had grown up in Lancaster, and knew Mom had been friends with Faye Lyberg. I told him, yes, they were friends, but more than that, they were cousins. You don't say, he said. Yes, first cousins...I'll be seeing my Mom this week when my sister Betty and I visit her. You tell your Mom hello for me. I sure will...

Different Paths

2006-06-05T19:49:00.000-05:00

Harriet stayed at home (mostly). Pat was a career woman (mostly). Of course, things were not that simple, but that's how outsiders would see it looking at the overall picture.

Harriet had a job when she left home thanks in part to her older sister taking her under her wing. She worked for Ma Bell, as a phone operator. She had a short taste of being young, free, and independent. She always said it was a good thing to do, and encouraged all her daughters to at least do the same. She eventually became a homemaker, but always kept busy making money either through growing produce to sell, taking in sewing, selling eggs...or later working for the County as a Homemaker*.

Pat worked for many years in the offices of the J.C. Penney store in downtown Bemidji, Minnesota. The quintessential career woman, she was a bundle of energy with a great sense of humour.

All through their lives, they have been best of friends, not just sisters. Different choices, but their ties as sisters run deep - Mom, the little sister, and Aunt Pat, the big sister...

*A Homemaker was a person who basically travelled all over our very rural northern county to people that were underserved, undereducated, homebound, etc., and taught them about personal finance, how to keep a clean house, and even personal hygiene. I accompanied my Mom sometimes on days off from school during the winter months to see what she did for her work, and witnessed her helping many people, including the disabled and the elderly. She even did simple but much appreciated things like setting ladies' hair to help them look nice. In return, one lady showed her a new type of embroidery that she grew to love and share by making things for the family and giving away. She was very proud of that last job, which helped pay off debts so she and Dad could enjoy their retirement sooner. When they broke up housekeeping in 2001, she still had a few items from her old Homemaker job that I ran across...

Final Wishes

2006-06-04T16:50:00.000-05:00

Mom has told me many times she just wants to be let go. I think she feels what happened to Dad was a mistake in retrospect. She wanted to think he could recover, but looking back, he was just maintained, and lingered, and it was not a dignified death. Then again, very few are...

While we can make living wills and discuss our wishes while we're still able to, it's those left behind that have to make the choices for those we love. I hope those that love me, love me enough to let me go...

"When She Loved Me..."

2006-05-13T17:39:00.000-05:00

These lyrics by Randy Newman may not have been meant to refer to mothers, but if you think about it, they could be. I listened to them on Prairie Home Companion today, where they were sung among many songs, in honor of Mother's Day. They are especially poignant to me as an older child with an elderly mother whose mind fades in and out...

When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart
And when she was sad
I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy
So was I
When she loved me

Through the summer and the fall
We had each other, that was all
Just she and I together
Like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely
I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me

So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she'd say I will always love you

Lonely and forgotten,
I'd never thought she'd look my way
And she smiled at me and held me just like she used to do
Like she loved me
When she loved me

When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart

When she loved me

A Grandson

2006-04-27T15:45:00.000-05:00

On Easter this year, I asked my son Daniel if he would come with me to visit my Mom, his grandma. I wasn't sure how he would react. Sometimes the young can be rather cruel. He said sure, he'd love to, and had been thinking about Grandma and about visiting her soon. Knowing how meaning to and doing it are often two different things, I was glad I had asked...and even more glad he had accepted.

We went over Easter Sunday in the afternoon, a beautiful spring day - warm, sunny, trees budding and birds singing. We found Mom with her new SHORT haircut (you can blame me - I asked the beauty shop to do it for ease of care) and it was a shock at first, but then I looked at her with more objective eyes and found it flattering. Mom has a wonderfully shaped face, and a very engaging stare; she always has a slightly amused glint in her eye and around her mouth, and is very ready to share a laugh. There are times when she's just as ready to shed a tear if Dad's memory bubbles to the surface, which happens still all too easily to this day with no reminders from anyone. There is no doubt she will miss him to the day she dies.

We had an amazing visit with her on the patio, everyone enjoying the weather. We talked about memories, but also about what was going on in our lives today. She has a new roommate, a much quieter and pleasant lady, who by coincidence has the same first name of Harriet! Daniel told her all about the work he has been doing, and his continued love of music and what he hopes to do with his passion for it. He has come a long way from the little boy that lived with Grandpa and Grandma while he, Eva, and I got back on our feet again in the mid 1980's. At that time, he would often play alone at their place, making airplanes out of old pieces of wood in Grandpa's 'plunder pile', or climbing up on top of the old chicken coop and gazing around the pastures, trees, and off into the distance, just hanging out. I understood that, having done much the same when I was growing up - solitude in such a place does amazing, inutterable things for your soul...

"Bad in the Kitchen, but good in the bedroom..."

2006-04-08T14:23:00.000-05:00

I never met my Great Aunt Maud, Great Uncle Dick's first wife. She may have been a saint for all I know. But knowing my Mom like I do, I've never known her to say something without grounds. Whatever the truth, I thought it was fascinating to learn more about Uncle Dick's earlier life, and here's what Mom recently told us during a visit with her...

Maud, Uncle Dick's first wife, was a dance hall girl and a horrible housekeeper. "You'd come into the kitchen and there wasn't a spot...that wasn't covered by mounds of dirty dishes, pots, and pans!" She was a snob, thinking she was better than others. Mom said that her cousin Rita - one of their 6 daughters - talked back to her mother right and left, didn't let her get away with anything, and Mom rather liked that!

When Mom said "There wasn't a spot...", there was a pregnant pause, which Betty and I took to be the end of the statement, meaning she kept a spotless house, then she suddenly finished the sentence, and I began laughing and laughing, Betty joining in, and then Mom...I explained to Mom I thought you were saying the house was clean...! Evidently, she was known for being quite the opposite. Then Betty said (forgive me Betty, it's too good a line to pass by), "Bad in the Kitchen, but good in the bedroom...!"

Almost Home

2006-04-03T21:18:00.000-05:00

I viewed an amazing documentary tonight. It was a window into one retirement home complex, over the course of one year...

Mom in Winter

2006-03-30T22:58:00.000-06:00

Tonight, my sister Betty and I visited our mother on her birthday. Once again, Mom talked about getting her driver's license back and driving again. We don't say anything much, but I think about it later. I used to think it was sad. I don't anymore. It just means my Mom has hope, and has plans, and I think that's a good thing...

Happy 84th Birthday, Mom

Not for Sissies

2006-03-19T23:54:00.000-06:00

GROWING OLD
by Matthew Arnold

What is it to grow old?
Is it to lose the glory of the form,
The lustre of the eye?
Is it for beauty to forego her wreath?
Yes, but not for this alone.

Is it to feel our strength—
Not our bloom only, but our strength—decay?
Is it to feel each limb
Grow stiffer, every function less exact,
Each nerve more weakly strung?

Yes, this, and more! but not,
Ah, 'tis not what in youth we dreamed 'twould be!
'Tis not to have our life
Mellowed and softened as with sunset-glow,
A golden day's decline!

'Tis not to see the world
As from a height, with rapt prophetic eyes,
And heart profoundly stirred;
And weep, and feel the fulness of the past,
The years that are no more!

It is to spend long days
And not once feel that we were ever young.
It is to add, immured
In the hot prison of the present, month
To month with weary pain.

It is to suffer this,
And feel but half, and feebly, what we feel:
Deep in our hidden heart
Festers the dull remembrance of a change,
But no emotion—none.

It is—last stage of all—
When we are frozen up within, and quite
The phantom of ourselves,
To hear the world applaud the hollow ghost
Which blamed the living man.

Tribute to a Mother

2006-02-24T15:13:00.000-06:00

We take the miraculous as commonplace because it happens every day. And then you find yourself cutting the first piece of hospital chicken for your mother, and you realize that you cannot even begin to repay the debt.

An amazing story of tribute, James Lileks remembers his mother in the days after her passing...

Just an interesting note

2006-02-18T18:18:00.000-06:00

My Mom was quite a collector. She must have been afraid she would run out of things. Just thought it interesting that after I had to put her in the nursing home I was going through the house and looking to see if there were things I could use. Would you believe that for 2 1/2 years now I have been using saran wrap, wax paper and aluminum foil from the house. She had that much on hand. Just last week is the first time I had to buy saran wrap in all this time and am still using up the aluminum foil and wax paper. And I use some of it most every day and it has still lasted this long. LOL

Three Cousins Chat

2006-02-18T16:52:00.000-06:00

Trishymouse says:
hey you guys - how is everyone?
bettyboop says:
doing good here too
Trishymouse says:
I'd be better if it was 70 outside
bettyboop says:
me too, its very cold out here
dellee@zianet.com says:
Well it has been that here for most of the winter. Really had a mild one here this year. ad a few 40 and 50 degree days but mostly short sleeve. I was out raking today to get some pine needles out of the yard.
dellee@zianet.com says:
Well i Betty got both of you. How neat.
bettyboop says:
yes Kool
bettyboop says:
We visited Mom last Thursday night
dellee@zianet.com says:
How is your Mom doing?
Trishymouse says:
Mom was shakey when she woke up at first, but as the visit progressed she was more and more coherent except for saying Laverne Wood was holding the Olympics...I think she meant to say something about hosting a party or something...a memory...
dellee@zianet.com says:
It eally blew my mind when Mom thought 2 weeks ago that grandma was still alive.
dellee@zianet.com says:
She was with grandma when she died.
Trishymouse says:
Did she tell you anything about that?
dellee@zianet.com says:
Yes she use to talk about it a lot. Grandmas diabetes had gotten out of control so why Mom returned her to the nursing home. Mom was with her and I guess grandma had a bad head ache. SAnd had gotten real bad with the diabetis. Grandma went into a convulsion and Mom held her head and hands as she died.
Trishymouse says:
Was Grandma conscious at the time?
Trishymouse says:
Did she say anything before?
dellee@zianet.com says:
Up until she went into the convulsion yes.
dellee@zianet.com says:
I think she was telling Mom about the headache. Mom always sort of blamed the nursing home as Grandma had the headache for several days I guess but noone seemed to do anything about it.
Trishymouse says:
I don't blame her. That's definitely a sign of something. Nowadays they'd probably scan her and there are meds available today that might help that weren't available in 1974...but at least she went fast...
dellee@zianet.com says:
Mom always felt if they had had the Dr. at her and find out why her head hurt so bad they maybe could have done something.
Trishymouse says:
Could have been another stroke, or as you said related to diabetes...
dellee@zianet.com says:
Yes I am sure that is what it was. I know a friend in Bemidji also had strokes and then when he had the final one that killed him he too went into convulsions.
Trishymouse says:
I don't know about you, but when looking at our Mom, it's like the clock is winding down, her body is slowly stopping. When I mentioned that to Mom and Thursday, she motioned like she was winding, and said, "Wind it back up then!" We laughed and said, that would be nice...
Trishymouse says:
Poor brain goes kafooey
dellee@zianet.com says:
Yes Mom too. Slowly things are working less and less. e mind gets foggier and foggier and legs are getting so weak. I have a call in to talk to the Dr. but he won't be in til next week.
Trishymouse says:
We've at least been able to make her as comfortable as possible. All her dental work has been caught up so no more pain or discomfort there. She has good reading glasses - and this pair have NOT been lost, knock on wood!

Struggling to Stay "Here"

2006-02-18T13:07:00.000-06:00

Our Mom is about the same as yours, i.e., sometimes totally 'here', and other times the mind wanders. I can tell that Mom is working hard at keeping things straight sometimes. She has said more than once getting old stinks. I believe her...

Betty and Trisha

2006-02-17T11:44:00.000-06:00

Haven't heard from you girls in a while. I wondered how Aunt Harriet is doing.
My Mom is failing as time goes on. Hard to believe she will be 94 in July. I am still able to take her to the beauty shop and out to eat once a week. But some weeks she can barely walk with my support but insists on walking just the same doesn't want me to take her in to the shop or cafe in the wheel chair.

She recently had several tests as she was having a bad time choking on food. So had throat swallowing test and an upper GI. Said she had minor problems but not enough to warrant the choking I described to them. The upper GI did show she hs a hiatal hernia.

Her mind continues to get worse and worse. 2 weeks ago when we went out we were talking about Aunt Lena and she wanted to know If I still wrote to her and I said no not for many years. Wanted to know if she was still living and I told her I had no idea as I haven't heard anything in a long time. Then she wondered if Lena still wrote to her Mom (our grandma). I looked at Mom with a puzzled expression and she said "Well you know my Mom". Then she stopped and her face clouded over and she said "OH that's right my Mom is gone isn't she" I said yes Mom, grandma died a long time ago.

Anyhow if one of you read this can you tell me if anyone knows about Lena?? Last I knew her husband Harold was in a nursing home but that news was a good 7 or 8 years ago so have no idea if either are alive at this date.

2006-02-08T14:20:00.000-06:00

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. It's quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Assn. for Mental Health.

A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent poem.

And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet:

Crabby Old Woman

What do you see, nurses?
What do you see?
What are you thinking,
When you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman,
Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit,
With faraway eyes.

Who dribbles her food,
And makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice,
"I do wish you'd try!"

Who seems not to notice,
The things that you do,
And forever is losing,
A stocking or shoe

Who, resisting or not
Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding,
The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse,
You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am,
As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding,
As I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten,
With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters,
Who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen,
With wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now,
A lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty,
My heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows,
That I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now,
I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide,
And a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty,
My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other,
With ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons,
Have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me,
To see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more,
Babies play round my knee,
Again we know children,
My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me,
My husband is dead,
I look at the future,
I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing,
Young of their own,
And I think of the years,
And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman,
And nature is cruel,
'Tis jest to make old age,
Look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles,
Grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone,
Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass,
A young girl still dwells,
And now and again,
My battered heart swells.

I remember the joys,
I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living,
Life over again.

I think of the years,
All too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact,
That nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people,
Open and see,
Not a crabby old woman;
Look closer - see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too!

The 'Not So Golden Years'

2006-01-03T00:19:00.000-06:00

I just read an article in a local paper where they compare TV shows about professions, as well as the institutions they involve, and how it stacks up to the actual real life jobs.

It got me thinking - when are TV executives going to do a real life drama about nursing homes, or even about aging in general?

Oh sure, there was the old show THE GOLDEN GIRLS, and bless them, they touched nicely on some topics, but I'd like something more visceral, more real, more deep. I don't mean it couldn't have some humour here and there, but I'd like it to touch on the hard stuff, the uncomfortable stuff - the 'activites of daily living' that must be faced, grace or no grace. I'd love to have the show have great writing, and be cast well. I'm not asking for much, am I?!

Granddaughter

2005-12-17T13:49:00.000-06:00

Eva came to visit in November around the Veterans' Day holiday. One of the things we did that weekend was visit Mom. Eva, Daniel, and I lived with Mom and Dad for a year and a half from early 1985 to the fall of 1986. Eva was in first grade at Humboldt school for the one school year. During that time, my kids and my parents really bonded. There was something special between them ever after. Mom lights up when she sees Eva, even to this day despite her brain being a bit fuzzier than it used to be. Mom also got to visit Eva a couple of times in Nashville, the last time when Mu'min was born. She thought Mu'min was such a sweetie. It's always wonderful to be there to see them visit with one another...

2005-11-23T14:36:00.000-06:00

It's really strange how a person can notice coincidences (or whatever word it is that would describe this...) about the most mundane things, and you really wonder if it matters or if you're just making something out of nothing, but...

I've been reading a book lately called "Charlotte", about the acclaimed actress Charlotte Charke ne Cibber, an 18th century London actress of certain renown. During a period of her career, she worked with Henry Fielding, who at that time was writing many satiric plays, many of which she starred in. Fielding later went on to write "Tom Jones", of which there is a character I discovered today, when Googling my mother's name, named Harriet Fitzpatrick. Harriet is my mother's first or Christian name. Fitzpatrick was her maiden surname.

I found it a bit strange to find out that while reading this book at this moment, and also thinking about my mother and the holidays coming up, that I find out her namesake is a character created by a real-life character in the very book I am reading.

Strange, indeed.

Background

2005-10-09T15:09:00.000-05:00

She knew that he was not willing to fork over $20,000 for her education and she didn't ask, afterall, he had given her a good life. He had bought her a nice house only 8 miles from the beach. She had nice things even if she didn't have independence, her smile faded and she steeled herself, stomping out the hope that had been there and biting back tears of sadness and rage. She saw, flashing before her mind, another 20 years of washing dishes, ironing clothes and cleaning hash marks out of toilets. She bit back the tears, steadied her hand and replied, "Yes honey, that might be nice"

An amazing story about another mother, as told by the daughter; the end has yet to be written.

Pink Peppermints

2005-10-08T17:29:00.000-05:00

'Uncle Mark Miller' brought me from the station with his ancient buggy and what he calls his 'generous purpose' horse. He is a nice old man and gave me a handful of pink peppermints. Peppermints always seem to me such a religious sort of candy -- I suppose because when I was a little girl Grandmother Gordon always gave them to me in church. Once I asked, referring to the smell of peppermints, 'Is that the odor of sanctity?' I didn't like to eat Uncle Mark's peppermints because he just fished them loose out of his pocket, and had to pick some rusty nails and other things from among them before he gave them to me. But I wouldn't hurt his dear old feelings for anything, so I carefully sowed them along the road at intervals. When the last one was gone, Uncle Mark said, a little rebukingly, 'Ye shouldn't a'et all them candies to onct, Miss Phil. You'll likely have the stummick-ache.'

- from Lucy Maud Montgomery's Anne of the Island

The 'pink peppermint', or the English mint as it's sometimes called, is actually flavored with wintergreen. It was a favorite of mine and it seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth now.

I will forever associate them with my Grandpa Fitzpatrick (Mom's father, who she dearly loved...), and how he fed them to me...along with whisker rubs and sloppy kisses, calling me his 'little girl'...

"I'm so tired of gray worsted and sensible things. Of course I can't have a tree, an' I don't suppose I really want it; but I'd like somethin' all pretty an' sparkly an'--an' silly, you know. An' there's another thing I want--ice cream. An' I want to make myself sick eatin' it, too,--if I want to; an' I want little pink-an'-white sugar pep'mints hung in bags. Samuel, can't you see how pretty a bag o' pink pep'mints 'd be on that green tree? An'--dearie me!" broke off the little old woman breathlessly, falling back in her chair.

Ella was the first to speak. "It's too bad, of course, but never mind. Mother'll see the joke of it just as we do. You know she never seems to care what we give her. Old people don't have many wants, I fancy."

Frank stirred suddenly and walked the length of the room. Then he wheeled about.

"Do you know," he said, a little unsteadily, "I believe that's a mistake?"

"A mistake? What's a mistake?"

"The notion that old people don't have any--wants. See here. They're having a party down there--a party, and they must have got it up themselves. Such being the case, of course they had what they wanted for entertainment--and they aren't drinking tea or knitting socks. They're dancing jigs and eating pink peppermints and ice cream! Their eyes are like stars, and Mother's cheeks are like a girl's; and if you think I'm going to offer those spry young things a brown neckerchief and a pair of bed-slippers you're much mistaken--because I'm not!"

- From Eleanor H. Porter's When Father & Mother Rebelled

I found this link today on a Canadian site I will try. I am abound and determined to track them down...

I like that last quote quite a bit. I have always firmly believed that just because our bodies get infirm doesn't mean we suddenly don't want or need to have fun or have love. I plan on getting up to mischief as much as possible the older I get!

Dentist

2005-09-03T10:28:00.000-05:00

My mothers teeth have been breaking off. I took her to the dentist here in town. He says she needs 5 teeth pulled one of which her partial attaches to so she would lose the use of that too. Plus she has multiple cavities. He won't pull them but wants me to take her all the way to Albuquerque 151 miles away and have her put to sleep by an oral surgeon to pull them. Then after that is done and she is given a month or so to heal he will "try" to fix the cavities and then says she will need a new lower partial and and upper partial. She has multiple health problems. On lots of medication one of which is a blood thinner plus she is often incontinent. How can they expect me to take her that far away have 5 teeth pulled and try to get her back home. She has severe dementia and and anesthesia really affects her mind bad. It is such a tough call. She is having no pain from the broken teeth but they sure could start to ache that's for sure. She absolutely says she does not want to go to Alb. and have teeth pulled when they are not bothering her but in the next minute she tells me she needs to get them fixed. When I tell her what needs to be done she says no then again 5 min. later tells me about her broken teeth.

Thursday

2005-09-03T10:24:00.000-05:00

I take my mother to the beauty shop every Thurs. then we go out ot eat afterwards. She is doing quite well for a woman of 93. But I notice her getting weaker as time goes on. I am still able to hold onto her as we walk into the beauty shop and then into the restaurant but her knees are getting quite weak so I don't think it will be long before I will have to go from each place by putting her in the wheel chair.

A Weekly Visit

2005-07-28T23:40:00.000-05:00

July 26th, 2005
Trish and I had our regular visit with Mom. She was dressed, hair nicely done and good spirits. We had a wonderful visit. I also took pictures to have of both Trish and I with Mom also.

Birthday

2005-07-13T17:19:00.000-05:00

My Mom is 93 today. dh was 71 yesterday so I made a nice dinner and I got Mom out of the nursing home and brought her out here and we had dinner. I baked and decorated a cake for her and my husbasnd and after we ate we all went to the Moose Club and I brought the cake along and we served birthday cake to about 40 people. They both enjoyed their birthday very much. Mom ate 4 pieces of cake.

An Old Man & His Mouse

2005-06-24T18:40:00.000-05:00

A story, about an old man, and his mouse...

Respect

2005-06-22T09:30:00.000-05:00

PBS will be showing this month a program called "Thou Shalt Honor". They have shown it before, but are repeating it plus having a national town hall meeting on the subject of our elders, because it's the 40th anniversary of the signing of the Older Americans Act.

MY Mother

2005-06-22T07:19:00.000-05:00

doesn't seem possible but Mom will soon be 93 in just 3 weeks. My brother always told her she would live to be 100. I wonder if she will make it and what her mind will be like if she does. She has so little memory now what would another 7 years bring?

I never thought she would be this long in a nursing home as she was pretty bad after the stroke and the reason she was transferred to the nursing home from the hospital. But she snapped out of the stroke just fine physically but took even more of her memory. She sure can remember certain things in the past though but not a whole lot even then. She remembers her dogs and asks about them every time we are together I haven't the heart to tell her they are both gone. I don't even know myself if homes were found for them or if they were put to sleep as I took them to the animal shelter. I keep telling her they are in a good home but getting very old and may soon die, I hate lying to her that I know how they are doing and all but she takes things so hard and makes such a fuss about stuff it is easier to tell little white lies than to tell her the full truth and have her go off into a rage again.

I don't even dare to see her too often as If I go get her more that once a week she starts to get the idea that she can go home again. Seems to accept the nursing home just fine as long as she isn't taken out too often. But take her out a couple times in a week and right away she starts in on when she goes home or that she is going to go home as noone takes care of her there anyhow so she might as well be home taking care of herself. She also gets ornery with the nurses and such in the nursing home. So it works out best to just go see her once a week.

Depression

2005-06-08T17:04:00.000-05:00

My mother, Alberta, seems to be very depressed the past Month or so. She has been in the nursing home some 2 years now but for some reason she is now starting to miss her old life and her things. It doesn't help that she has somehow lost her cane the only "possession" she was really left with since being there. It is a plain wooden cane and I wrote her name in black marker on it. Several times she has left it somewhere but always got it back. However it has now been missing since last Fri. the 3rd of June. It was a cane that had belonged to her mother and she really cherished it. She kept it in her bed with her and said she clung to it at night as it was like holding her mothers hand. Now it is gone. I talked to everyone I saw at the nursing home and asked them to please try to find it for her. It is so frustrating as you have to literally strip them of all possessions when in the nursing home because of thievery, so they have so little, then for someone to "steal" or "misplace" her cane the one and only thing she had to cling to is so hurting. I can only hope someone is consciencious enough to try find it and return it to her. I even checked to see if she had been taken somewhere by the staff like to a Dr. appt. when I was gone or something thinking she left it there but was told no they have not taken her anywhere so it has to be in the nursing home somewhere.

She is very unhappy right now and I don't know what to do. She is missing her dogs and her home and all her possessions. But no way can she go back home to live with her memory as it is.

It has to be very hard for her as she is use to being independent and coming and going at will. However the going was OK it was coming back home that was the problem as over and over she would take off and go to the club or the cafe and get there just fine but then she could not find her way back home. It is all so sad. But she did live at home and continue to drive til she was 91 so she did have a long ,good, independent life.

Bringing Death Back Home

2005-06-06T23:56:00.000-05:00

Even as we face our mothers' mortalities, we face our own.

I was reading about the home funerals movement tonight, and it made me think about how ever since my Dad passed away, and I was involved in helping with his 'arrangements' for the funeral, it has made me rethink everything I ever assumed about the end of life and how it is handled. I've spent a good deal of time researching what the laws are on how bodies can be handled, what are the legal methods of disposal of a body, and what rights I have as an individual to have a say in how my body is disposed of when I die.

I've taken steps to have my body used, then disposed of, in what I feel is the best way possible. I want to share anything useful of my former 'house' before it rots and is no more, by donating anything that can be reused for others whether that is an organ or tissue or whatever. I want to spare unnecessary and wasteful expense by having my body either donated for a medical student to dissect, or if nothing else, cremated. Now, after reading the article on home funerals, I'm thinking how nice it would be if people had a chance to really meet and say goodbye to me, to have a chance to heal, to be 'up close and personal' with my old body, macabre as you might think that sounds.

Personally, I find it comforting to have the chance to be near someone I love after they leave their body. I watched as my own father died, the life going out of his body even before the last breath was drawn, and I could easily see he was long gone, to where, no one knows, because once you are 'there', you don't come back to tell anyone. Anyone that says otherwise is just guessing, don't let them fool you. Some hope for the best, prepare for the worst, while others ignore it. Whatever you believe, it's just that - a belief, and not a fact. Time will definitely tell...

a nice week

2005-05-14T07:40:00.000-05:00

Had a nice week with my Mother. Sunday being Mothers day My husband and I went and got Mom out of the nursing home and he took us out to eat. We had a good time together.
Tues I always go get Mom and we go to the beauty shop. Got our hair done then went and picked up a friend and the 3 of us went out to lunch.
We were at the moose club Wed. evening and my son Daryl comes in with Mom to share a couple beers so visited with her again.
Last night they served supper at the Moose so we again went and got Mom and took her to dinner at the Moose Club. So we had a good week. As a rule I only go to see Mom once a week on our Hair day Tues. But saw her 4 times this week. It seems if I go too often she starts to get the bug that she wants to go home again. So why I cut down to only seeing her once a week.
Had another hygiene issue though one of which I posted here about a year ago so won't go into that but anyhow Sun. Mom had on some beige slacks. Tues. she had the same slacks on which are now getting food stained as she spills a lot. Wed. when my son took her out, same beige slacks more soiled. So I called Fri. and told my son who works at the home that I wanted to tell them, I wanted Mom clean when I came to get her. I get there at 4:30 to take Mom out and the same , now filthy, beige slacks on. So I marched right out to the nurses station and told them she has had the same dirty slacks on all week. We changed her then and they all say they had no idea. I guess they can't see. All said noone told them etc. etc. I talked to my son again and he said he put a big note at the station telling them to be sure she was clean as I was coming to get her. So I guess none of them can read either. But I bet they will get on it now, for a while anyhow.

Mom's Pacemaker

2005-04-26T19:12:00.000-05:00

Took Mom (Alberta) to the Dr. today. Her pacemaker test was good. Heart beating good and lungs clear. Said she was really doing good for a lady of 92.
Trish and Betty, I read the letter to her that you posted from your mother to mine in OUR MOTHER. She got a kick out of it. But as soon as I read it she asked me who the letter was from. Even though I told her I have a letter from Harriet and the letter ended--- Love you, Harriet Mom asked who was that from?? I don't think she even remembered half of what was said in the letter as I asked her why did you keep moving the Wardrobe. She said Wardrobe??? I don't know. Anyhow she is doing good Physically wise.

How strange

2005-04-05T14:16:00.000-05:00

I just read the latest blog on Aunt Harriet. How odd that she just had 2 teeth pulled in March and my Mom (your Aunt Pat) also had 2 teeth pulled in March. She had 2 absesses so had to go on antibiotics to get rid of infection prior to having them pulled. She is on blood thinner since she did have a mild stroke a while back so I was quite concerned about bleeding. But she came through it just fine. However by the time she got in to have them pulled it had been 3 weeks since her tooth aches so she had no memory of having had toothache pain, thus she was sure they had made a mistake and took the wrong person down to have their teeth pulled. I am just glad that she had no severe bleeding problem but she had this done on a Thurs. and the next week when I went ot get her Tues. to go to the hairdresser I did notice there was still a little blood mixed where she had apparently drooled on the sheet some.

Right after she had her teeth pulled after several months now of no more calls about her falling she had another fall. She was falling quite frequently but they put her in a restorative program where they were walking her more so she was doing very well. I do believe this fall can be attrributed to the antibiotics and pain meds as meds do hit her very hard and always have.