Saturday, August 09, 2003

I just got back from my morning walk. While walking I thought how free I am & what a beautiful day. Then thought of my Mom Pat (Alberta) locked up in the nursing home & coudn't help but think---What am I doing to her? Then all the thoughts came back of the horror of the past 2 years as I've seen her memory deteriorate so drastically. Her refusal to quit driveing even though Drs. forbid it. Her actually plowing into a car when backing out at our local restaurant & leaving the scene. All the times she refused to take her pills.

All the times she wished she were dead & threatened to commit suicide. She convinces the Drs. she only feels that way in the nursing home but that's not true. She's made these statements & had severe depression times for years. Still the guilt on my part remains. Am I doing the right thing? I know I can't deal with the worry & fear of having her at home anymore & there is no 24 hr. care here.

I only hope my children never have to face this with me.